ouch.

"why are you expecting me to devote myself to you when you're feeling down?"
my bad.. i didnt think it was something you wouldnt want to do..

just a thought or two.

everybody thinks im just a lucky bastard.
even the one person who's supposed to make me feel good about myself..
one day im going to prove them all wrong, and everyone will see that i deserved it.

how do you help someone who doesnt appreciate your efforts? how do you help someone who expects you to be there for them, when they dont try to say or do things to make you feel better on your crap days? how do you help an empty shell without becoming one yourself? i feel so helpless. ive been feeling very strange lately. lately ive been continuously attempting a good change. and i must say it does feel good. but i was right about one thing. once you change one part of your life, other parts will change too.. everything affects everything else. you'd think that this change in me over the past few months would produce other good changes in other aspects of my life. and in fact, it was supposed to.. although part of me is a lot happier than i used to be, part of me is also a lot sadder. something's gone missing. i feel alone these days. the good thing is, i am now capable of being happy with other people. the bad thing is, theres still a sense of loneliness, if you know what i mean.

when i dont have the strength, im just a mirror of what i see.

i can

i can put on a face and say im okay. i can run around and look happy. i can talk to everyone as if nothings wrong. i can, for the moment, forget my needs and wants. i can put before myself, everyone in my life. i can hold in my anger and sadness just so they can look me in the eye. i can flutter here and there and give hugs like my life is so amazing. i can, for the day, be the happiest girl ever to walk the earth.

but i cannot hide from the mirror on my wall.


i feel very depressed. im hoping that im just pmsing. not that my feelings really matter either way.

vice.

have you ever felt guilty about something you've done, but only because no one else knows about it? because you felt you had every damn right to do it, even if every fiber of your being says its against what you believe in? have you ever just repeated what somebody said to you because you want them to know how much it hurt you.. and then have this person turn around and tell someone else what you said as if your mouth was where it originally came from? have you ever had your reputation ruined by one damn lie? have you ever wanted to be apathetic about what other people think, but what the ones you care about say/think/feel have so much affect on you, regardless? have you ever wanted to stop doing something for the sake of someone else, even though you know it wont matter to them cuz they wouldnt want to do the same for you? have you ever felt betrayed? have you ever found out that your friends talk about you behind your back? have you ever felt guilty about something you've done, but only because no one else knows about it? because you felt you had every damn right to do it, even if every fiber of your being says its against what you believe in? have you ever found happiness, regardless of all of these troubles that go through your mind?

yes. to every one of these questions. even the last one.
finally.

17 Again

i confess!! i really wanna see this movie! hahaha

"when youre young, everything
feels like the end of the world.
but it's not. it's just the beginning."

december o6. i miss this.

farfetched optimism.

i honestly didnt think being rejected from one of your top-preferred schools was as demoralizing as people said. until of course it happened to me. hahahahahahahaha. why am i laughing? luckily, i dont really have much of a choice of where to go. otherwise, i would be really depressed right now :] besides, theres always that miracle that MIGHT happen (me getting a uci acceptance letter). im not one to get my hopes up though. pleasant surprises are a hell of a lot better than depressing rejections.

csuf - accepted
csulb - accepted
sd state - rejected
ucmerced - accepted
ucriversice - accepted
ucsantabarbara - rejected..
uci - pending

looks like im destined to go to lb for now. haha.

tbh, i actually cant wait for june!

the strangest dream.

my entire family went to some far off country. i was there for a college interview, i never found out which, but yeah. so we were in this forest-y type place and we were trying to find our hotel. then i met a worm.. and i fell in love with this worm. there was something about the worm that i knew was different, and strange. the next part i remember, i was running away from something, with the worm right by me running (or rather, wiggling?) away from whatever i was running from too. then something happened, i dont remember.. but the worm was hurt. and dying. and i was crying. and you know how like in the movies, when someone cries and the tears bring back to life the dying person/thing? well thats what happened. i cried and i cried and told the dying worm i loved it... THEN. the worm turned into a human, or rather, a man. i dont remember what happened after that, but the next thing i remember we were in a church (the man-worm and i) getting married. my entire family was there. before i walked down the aisle, there was a girl outside, i slapped her, told her i hated her, and the wedding march began to play. there was only one of my friends there in the church.. and i was surprised to see who was standing up there on the altar as our best man..

this was so strange.. often times i dream about whatevers been on my mind. but this dream was everything i never would have guessed i would dream about. OH. maybe thats it. maybe its the dream of all the things i try not to think too much about. strange..

ps. i can explain the worm thing.. all of this past week, mrs elamparo (formerly ms reitsch) had me make a powerpoint about worms and mollusks during TA. yeah.. gross stuff man...

misunderstood.

sweet talking mirror.

a continuation of my presentation on Mirros by Sylvia Plath

hey youuu, you look good today.
i enjoy being with you. a lot.
you're amazing.
your hugs make me very happy.
i love that you always know exactly what to say.
dang, that felt good. can i have another hug?
i love the way you move.
have i ever told you how much you mean to me?
you totally made my day.
hey, guess what? i love you.

who doesnt like compliments?

what are mirrors for exactly? for finding your identity? for searching for who you really are? something you can throw compliments at, to make yourself feel better? to gain self confidence? i dont know, but mirrors are strange objects, with depth greater than the eyes and fingers can prove. im beginning to realize that it's really no surprise my presentation took up over an hour of class time. mirrors are complicated.

"..I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over." --- Sylvia Plath, Mirror.

just get here, if you can

i almost forgot how much i love this song. and justin guarini. though i was a kelly clarkson fan since day one of her audition :]


You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can
You can reach me by sail boat, climb a tree and swing rope to rope
Take a sled and slide down the slope, into these arms of mine
You can jump on a speedy colt, cross the border in a blaze of hope
I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can

There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had my way, surely you would be closer
I need you closer oh closer

love will find a way

dedicating this post to my cousin.
ever since i was little, i always looked up to you. you were my idol; "when i grow up, i wanna be like ate." i remember when i first came here to the states, i clung onto you like an annoying little girl. always taking your toys.. i remember you were so mad i kept doing that. and yet you still let me play with them(: and as the years passed, being the youngest of my three ates, you were always the ate that hung out with us younger kids. played games with us til the wee hours of the morning... power rangers and "haunted house" and zoom-inspired games and such. you were always the ate that took us out during the long boring summer days. to some random tiny zoo in orange county... to rite aid for one dollar ice cream. anything to pass the time! throughout all these childhood memories, i always thought you were the best. i love you for still hanging out with us younger kids, even though you were a lot older. i admire you for being such a beautiful person inside and out, for being intelligent and fun. i love you for always being there for me to do my hair for formals and such. and most of all, i have always admired you for being so strong. ive seen you go through ups and downs in your life. and ive always seen you come out of every single tough situation, and owning it in the face. youre a person who always perseveres and always comes out successful. and after all your struggles, you always come out a stronger person. i believe that you are strong. i KNOW that you are strong, ate. "absence makes the heart grow fonder" they say. who knows, it just might be true :] things are a lot easier said than done, i know. but you have so many people around you that love you, me included. so i hope you dont feel completely alone. and i know im a lot younger, but i mean, we can go out and have lunch or dinner, or watch a movie, or go bowling, or go shopping, or something. hahah. im down for anything :] im a real believer in true love, ate. and i believe.. somehow. someway. love will find a way ♥

know your roots :]

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