I stand up, to be above the rest of the crowd, as the audience begins to fill up the quad area outside of the theater. Looking around desperately for you, as some of my friends pass by saying, “hey, good job!” I nod and say thanks, but I’m still looking around.. I see some fellow SI dancers running into the arms of their lovers, roses in hand. After a few minutes, I call you and you tell me you had to leave 'cuz you had to take her home. “Oh, okay. Thanks for coming..” I hang up the phone. A girl from my class walks by me, says good job and introduces me to her boyfriend. I smile and say, “Thanks, you too!” She walks off, hand in hand with her love. My mom comes over and says, “Where is he?” I reply, “He had to leave..” With a look of disapproval she says, “He LEFT?” I change the subject and say, “Mom, I’m gonna go hang out with some friends I met today, I’ll just meet you at home.” I walk back to the dressing rooms and chat with people for awhile, exchanging names so we could find each other on facebook. After everyone started leaving to go hangout, I started walking towards the parking lot. And as if some outside force wanted to mock me, I stumble over a single rose on the street, and I get a text from him at that moment. I respond with, 'you couldn't see me for one second?' After deleting his text and subtly crushing the rose beneath my feet, I walk towards my car, ready to go home and just get into bed.

Dear Reader,

Hopefully you'll never feel the way I do sometimes, but if by some chance, you feel alone and helpless, go here: www.xbeautifuldisaster.tumblr.com. It definitely will NOT make you feel the slightest bit better.. But at least know that you're not alone. 'Cuz I find that sometimes that's what I need.
I can't find the inspiration to write anymore. I'll be back when my life starts rolling in the direction I can live with. I'll be there for now. That way, you lovely followers of this blog, won't have to read all my crap when you don't want to. I'm so sorry that I havent posted anything worth reading in a very long time. I lost my inspiration.

Love Always,
Rona

Is it really wanting more when I just want what was there before?

cant wait.

i can't wait for next week. maybe once school starts, you'll stop poisoning my mind. i need a new life.

you're gonna regret this.

ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

THE TROUBLE WITH BEING AN ANGEL CHILD ALL YOUR FCKING LIFE IS THAT ONCE YOU DO SOMETHING THE SLIGHTEST BIT DIFFERENT, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE A DEVIL CHILD. THE TROUBLE WITH FOLLOWING EVERY WORD YOUR PARENTS EVER SAID IS THAT ONCE YOU START WANTING TO DO THINGS YOUR OWN WAY, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. THE TROUBLE WITH BEING RESPECTFUL AND OBEDIENT YOUR WHOLE FCKING LIFE IS THAT ONCE YOU MAKE THE SLIGHTEST SLIP, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE A CHEAP WHORE THAT DOESN'T THINK. ALL OF A SUDDEN EIGHTEEN FCKING YEARS OF BEING THE PERFECT DAUGHTER DOESN'T EVEN MATTER BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE THINKING FOR YOURSELF. THE TROUBLE WITH ALWAYS LISTENING TO WHATEVER YOUR PARENTS WANTED,IS THAT ONCE YOU START DIPPING YOUR FINGERS IN FREEDOM AND INDEPENDENCE THEY'LL GRAB YOUR HANDS AND CUT OFF YOUR FINGERS. AS A CHILD, AS A TEENAGER, I HAD ALWAYS DEALT WITH GOING HOME EARLY AS A PARTY IS BARELY JUST GETTING STARTED.. AND MISSING OUT ON ALL SLEEPOVERS IN MY LIFE.. AND HAVING TO TELL MY FRIENDS "SORRY I CANT..MY PARENTS ARE KINDA..YOU KNOW.." FOR JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING.. IT'S NO WONDER, REALLY, WHY I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE LEFT OUT IN MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE. I WAS ALWAYS CHAINED TO MY HOME. BUT DID I EVER COMPLAIN? NO. DID I EVER OBJECT? NO. I LISTENED AND FOLLOWED LIKE A GOOD GIRL SHOULD..HOPING ONE DAY THE TIDES WOULD TURN AND THEY WOULD REALIZE HOW MUCH I STROVE TO BE A PERFECT CHILD. AND MAYBE THAT'S WHERE I WENT WRONG IN LIFE. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE JUST BEEN A REBELLIOUS CHILD TO BEGIN WITH. MAYBE IT WOULDN'T BE LIKE THIS. I HATE BEING THE OLDEST AND BEING A GIRL. FCKING RUINS MY LIFE. WHENEVER I MAKE THE SLIGHTEST MISTAKE, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. BUT MY BROTHER, OH NO. "GEE, HE TALKS BACK ALL THE TIME, SO I GUESS WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ANYMORE BUT KEEP LETTING HIM DO IT." BUT WHEN I SAY OR DO SOMETHING WRONG, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. AND THIS TIME, I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING WRONG. I JUST DID SOMETHING DIFFERENT. SHARP, PAINFUL WORDS COME FLYING AT ME. SURE, I CRY. BUT THIS TIME, IT'S NOT BECAUSE I FEEL SAD OR REMORSEFUL. NO. THIS TIME, IT'S FROM ANGER. IT TOOK ALL MY STRENGTH TO PREVENT MYSELF FROM YELLING BACK. I CALMLY TRY TO EXPRESS MYSELF AND I STILL GET PAINFUL WORDS THROWN AT ME. FUCK THIS. MY DAD FINALLY DROPPED THE LINE. THE "FOR AS LONG AS YOU'RE LIVING UNDER MY ROOF, YOU LIVE UNDER MY RULES. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, LEAVE THIS HOUSE" LINE. I DON'T KNOW WHEN THAT'LL BE POSSIBLE FOR ME..BUT AT LEAST I HAVE STRONG MOTIVATION TO EARN MONEY. I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.

two things.

Two things I really want right now.
thigh high boots. and a picnic. not together.. obviously. i think..? hahah.

never

She's one of my favorite writers. I feel I can relate to so much of her work.

they think.

They think I'm oblivious. They think it's okay to leave me in the dust. They think I don't know. Then they think it's okay to rub it in my face.

I feel so alone..

santa monica.

Shane and I went to Santa Monica Pier and Third Street Promenade today. It was fun! And thankfully, not overly crowded since it was Tuesday. Forever 21 on Third Street is THREE STORIES. OMG. I didn't even know where to begin. Then the dressingrooms were a disaster to deal with, so I decided to leave. Plus I felt bad cuz Shane was just sitting there waiting for me. I don't like the feeling of keeping someone waiting. Haha. After roaming up and down Third Street, we walked to the pier and we ate dinner. I finally satisfied my crave for calamari [: Good day. Except, on the way back home, we got lost in LA. I felt helpless as Shane was freaking out and yelling at the stupid GPS [and stupid LA wreckless drivers]. Hahaha. What an adventure.

lost in LA [:

Casting Results

8 out of 8. top ten 3 out of 8. extremely pleasantly surprised. so much that i fell out of my chair. literally. :D. Definitely a good day!

the little mermaid.

What would I give to live where you are? What would I pay to stay here beside you? What would I do to see you smiling at me? Where would we walk, where would we run? If we could stay all day in the sun..Just you and me. And I could be, part of your world.

In case you haven't noticed, this is part of where I got my inspiration for the song I wrote ♥

"if there was a way.."

(12:58:26 AM): if your gf is having a shitty day, fix it

(1:03:41 AM): i honestly don't see how anyone can treat you like crap
(1:04:15 AM): like i can be an asshole, **** can be a bitch
(1:04:23 AM): but i've never seen or heard anything bad about you really

(1:29:15 AM): its extremely demoralizing
(1:29:38 AM): knowing that your all isn't good enough.

ME (1:35:54 AM): he questions why i miss him even after we've hung out
(1:36:08 AM): because you love him, duh.
ME (1:36:23 AM): apparently thats not reason enough.. why cant he just be sweet and be like, "aww i miss you too."
(1:36:26 AM): honestly, if i was him, i'd be the happiest fucking guy in the world.
(1:37:31 AM): honest.
(1:38:59 AM): he's just not appreciating you rona
(1:39:16 AM): he's taking what he has for granted
ME (1:39:24 AM): must i have a reason to miss him?
(1:39:38 AM): no. you don't have to.
ME (1:39:41 AM): i dont get it.
(1:40:06 AM): i dont' either

(1:58:46 AM): yeah..sometimes i got unsure of who was going out with who

(2:11:26 AM): if there was a way to make someone care
(2:11:36 AM): i'd pay all my money for it
ME(2:11:46 AM): amen.

tonight.

tonight my best friend bought me dinner. then he bought me starbucks. then we sat by the community jacuzzi and talked about our dreams and fears, straining to find the stars in the night sky, due to the effects of living in the suburbs.

i used to dream of having these moments with the one i love. as much as i enjoyed my time tonight, it's different when you have these kinds of moments with your lover. where are you when i need you most? where are you when i have these kinds of moments?

"can you tell me how can one miss, what she's never had? how can she reminisce when there is no past?" -- keyshia cole

asdlfkj;lajdsfklj;alskdjf

things i hate. because im in an angry mood at the moment.
- when people flake out on you without telling you
- then, after flaking out on you, they act as if nothing ever happened
- waiting and waiting and waiting for someone that never ends up showing up
- when people try to avoid telling you something, and try to avoid lying to you at the same time, so they give some bogus, stupid answer about what theyre doing, or where they are.
- damn customers who leave the clothes they tried on, on the fcking floor of the dressing room. at least have the courtesy to put it back on the damn hangers.
- damn customers who steal. i hope you burn in hell.
- when people continue to do something they know pisses you off or makes you extremely uncomfortable.. behind your back.. and you find out about it cuz theyre so effing careless and inconsiderate.
- cats making babies in the middle of the damn night in my friggin backyard. just SHUT UP.
- being stuck at home. fml.
- when you care about someone more than they care about you. makes life just so freakin lonely.
- goddamn teenieboppers who think they're so damn cute, but really theyre just annoying as hell. stfu and back the hell off.
- wanting a summer to remember.. and not getting it.
i bet you my life, i'm not getting much sleep tonight.

Cory Aquino

My sophomore year in high school, in my english class, we did a project in which we wrote & performed a eulogy in front of the class. We were to chose a significant historical/political non-fictional character [dead or alive]. Being the proud Filipina that I am, I chose Cory Aquino, who was alive and well at the time. Now, about three years later, I watch the countless number of coverages of her on TFC [the filipino channel], it saddens me, for I know the impact she had on the Philippines in her time. RIP.

Noticed.

Wow. Tonight's class felt good. I think I did well. Thank goodness.. I thought to myself. "Hm..Let's have, you.. you.. you two.. and you!" the choreographer says. The three boys and two girls get up and stand in a formation. The music starts playing, and the rest of the class sits in front to watch these five selected dancers perform the dance we learned in the last two hours. After the five selected dancers finish, the choreographer says, "Let's give these five a hand!" Everybody applauds and cheers. The choreographer then goes around again. "You.. you.. you..." He glances at me, for exactly three mississippis, then moves on. "You and you!" For those three seconds, my heartbeat was gaining speed. And then it significantly dropped as he moved on to pick two other dancers. After the second set of five people did their thing, we all cheered and applauded them. The choreographer says, "Now, let's have EVERYBODY! One last time! Good job tonight, everyone! Great class!" Everybody gets up and finds a spot on the floor. I find a spot in the third row. The music plays and we all do the dance a final time. After the last move, everybody cheers again and heads off to gather their things. I walk to the back corner to pick up my purse and my water bottle. "Hey." Someone taps me on the shoulder. I spin around, surprised. A guy who sat and watched the entire class tonight asks me, "Do you dance on a team?" I reply, "Uh..well..I used to. Last year I did." He stares at me and says, "You're good." Awkward silence. I was about to say thanks but then he continues, "But if you want to get noticed, you have to dance in the front. You're good, but don't be shy." A little shocked, I realized I needed to respond. "Yeah.. thanks a lot." He gives a small nod and walks away.

Touch.

There's something about the touch of someone you love, that's so powerful beyond words.

when they take your hand in the presence of others, unashamed to be with you..
when they attack you with a hug as you walk through their door like they've missed you..
when they grab you to lead you somewhere as you giggle, 'where are you taking me?'..
when they pull you into your arms as you cry, to offer protection and security..
when they gently caress your skin, leaving your hairs on end..
when they softly touch your boo-boo and ask, 'does that feel better?'..
when they slowly run their fingers through your long hair..
when they playfully pull at your tiny ears..
when they pull you over to watch TV & youre just laying there, a perfect fit for each other
when they hold you for hours after a long winded fight..
when they longingly take your hands and say they're sorry..
when they embrace you goodbye, passionately, as if each hug were your last..

Humans were meant to touch one another. It's beautiful, and a lot less sexual than people make it all to be these days. By definition, "to feel" is either to have emotion, or to physically touch something. And I think they're directly related. Touch is the closest form of expression. Words can only do so much. Words form boundaries on the page. Emotions aren't meant to be trapped by boundaries. I can't finish any of those sentences and say "when THIS happens, then THIS is how i feel." The best part is, I don't have to.

What's in a Name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet." - Shakespeare. Speaking of names, everyone at work calls me 'row-nuh' instead of 'raw-nuh.' At first, it was kinda weird, but I never bothered to correct anyone. And it kinda grew on me. Because well.. my cousins actually call me that too. I don't really know why I always just had people from school call me 'raw-nuh,' when in fact, most strangers at first glance, read my name as 'row-nuh.' I've actually pondered this many times, and still have not come to any sort of productive conclusion. Only one thing is different now: I kinda like 'row-nuh.' Makes me feel like along with this new life I've been starting [post-high school], came a new name. A new me. A new attitude. A new set of goals. A new mindset. A new heart. A new mind. Here's to.. what people say is supposed to be the best years of my life: college.