strange pt2. - chasing pavements

ill be hitting multiple birds with one stone here.
I can think of several occasions in the past in which I was the confrontational one. I can also think of many times when I was the one to run away from the problem. But when I think of those times, I'm reminded that after a long time (I recall that one time, it was after several months), I still end up being the confrontational one. I was always one to chase pavements. I was always the one to be the last to fight. But how do we know which pavements are worth chasing? Contrary to his belief that we decide whether something is worth it, by evaluating an 'end' result... I believe in determining the worth of doing something, not by an 'end' result, but by a conscious decision of the mind and heart, before it's even the 'end.' Because I believe in making things worth it along the way, not just letting things happen and waiting until the 'end' to decide if something was worth it. For example, I keep coming back because my mind & heart has made the conscious decision that it's worth it. And while he believes (correct me if I'm wrong; though I don't think I am since you've told me this countless times)that we will never really know if all this is worth it until the 'end' ... i disagree very strongly. With a mad passion, actually. But back to the original topic. I had lost my breath, panting and gasping for air from chasing pavements in past years. Yeah, now I have changed. Because this time, I wont be gasping for breath until I decide something is worth it. To be honest, I have no intentions on being the confrontational one this time around. And just to clear the air, I have no feelings of resentment, but rather, indifference. I don't know if feeling indifferent is worse or better than feeling resentful, but I do know that it's gonna take a lot more than this to shatter my revived happy self. I'm so gleeful these days it's almost disgusting hahaha. I feel like a junior high kid again. Speaking of Glee, it reminds me of show choir whenever I watch it, and it makes me miss SC. But PAC and PAC Modern are energizing me these days ♥. I realize I've become a stronger person. And I don't let things depress me, like how I did before. Lately it's more often the things that make me happy that linger in my mind rather than the things that are upsetting. I guess the danger now is neglecting my problems. Eventually, I'll find the perfect balance. Hahaha.

strange.

There's something really strange about running into somebody you haven't seen or talked to in a long time, and they barely acknowledge you. Especially when they used to be such a huge part of your life. In a way, it's painful to see them look past you, as if the past never existed. But in another way, it's not surprising, considering I never felt any more than a shallow connection between the two of us. That just goes to show that even though you've spent a lot of time with somebody, if you don't connect on a deeper level, how much time you've spent together doesn't matter in the end. One day, they're gonna look at you like you're just another person. And they're gonna continue to walk on by, with no remorse of leaving you with barely a Hello/Goodbye. Oh well. I never really liked you anyway. And I don't think you ever did either. It's strange that for some reason I was just really attached to you. I wish you well, though. And in case any single part of you wants to know, I've been doing great too! Life pretty much rocks at the moment. For the both of us I'm sure [:

missing out.

I keep feeling like I'm missing out on everything. I wish I didn't HAVE to work. I wish I could stay out as late as I want. I wish I didn't have to worry about paying for my own gas and other school shit. I wish I was dorming [very very badly]. I wish I could have a "real" college experience. Is it bad that I want to experience getting wasted for one night? Just one night. So I can wake up the next morning and say that I never want to do that again. Makes sense?

because people are stupid.

i realize i have been way too open about certain aspects of my life on this blog. and because people are stupid and just laugh about my problems, that's going to change. if all youre going to do is laugh about my problems, then fuck off. you have to realize it's difficult to think rationally when i'm emotionally upset. geezus.

btw, PAC Modern Audition Workshops are going fantastic! I'm getting really anxious now though. Thursday is the big day! Wish me luck ♥

PAC 1st Gen & Smorgasport!

Yesterday I had one class in the morning. Then Kassandra and I hung around campus just killing time because at one o'clock was the first general meeting of PAC! First gen was awesome! Their skits were pretty hilarious and all the coordinators [coords] were REAALLY nice! like, REALLY nice! And I got super lucky yesterday cuz the group I met and hung out with was so chill, we ended up hanging out with the coords of PAC and stuff, like all day! hahahah! I love the people from PAC. They're so welcoming! And like, we were just a group of freshman, but they accepted us as if we've all known each other for awhile already. You know what I mean? Like, my friends and I were just newbies, but we already feel like part of the PAC family :D I'm really excited to start doing stuff with PAC. And IF I make Modern, I don't even know if I'll have time for PAC Culture, but i really want to do it! PAC Culture is the division of PAC that does the traditional filipino folk dancing and stuff haha. It was refreshing to walk around campus and take in the diversity of CSULB that Oxford seriously lacked, but being around a whole mess of Filipinos all day yesterday was just HOME! HAHAHA! Anyway, I hung out with this group of other freshman filipinos I met at the pool party after First Gen, until Smorgasport. Smorgasport was an on campus event night that was kind of like a fair where they gave out free stuff and whatnot. It went from 8-12am last night. It was hella fun! The group I hung out with met up with some of the PAC people from earlier in the day, and we chilled with them for a large portion of the night. They are just so much fun to be with, and they're really nice people. Like, Kassandra and I had to walk back to our cars to go home, and these two sophomores from PAC walked us to our cars cuz it was like almost midnight and they didn't want anything to happen to us. My night at Smorgasport ended when Chadell, Ellen, Kassandra, Avik, Jimmy, and I went bowling in the Student Union which was pretty fun cuz us girls didn't want to get bowling shoes (we didn't have socks).. so we were like trying to bowl without the employees catching us. But yeah, I was on campus yesterday from 8:30 in the morning until midnightish.. and it was freakin awesome!!! I ♥ ed meeting all those new people yesterday and hanging out with our group of freshies. The reason I'm really going out there to make friends is because i feel like i'm missing such a huge part of college since i'm not dorming =/ Like, it's harder for commuters to make friends {unless you really go out there} because you can't really make friends in your classes. Some of my classes are really big and others you just can't really talk much. So, I'm glad for yesterday [: One problem, PAC general meetings are thursdays at 4pm, but i work tue&thu nights at 5.. alskjf;alskdjf;alskd; i have yet to figure this out. argh! Well anyway, I think I'm gonna go work on my psyc paper. Expect more updates soon [:

and finally, he calls, crying to me about what he feels he has lost. about what he feels has changed. there's a lot of things i need to say. but i cant find the right words to leave my lips. so i guess i'll do what i do best.. and just write what is in my heart.

Let Go

Lately it’s been easier for me to say to myself, “Just let it go, Rona.” I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing. Good thing for the present, but it may be bad for the long run.. We’ll see I guess. For now, i’m loving the life I live, and it’s not even what I wanted if you asked me two weeks ago. I'm getting to know people more, and I'm super uber duper excited to finally start getting involved with Pilipino-American Coalition [will be referred to as PAC in the future] and ASI [like ASB]. First PAC general meeting is Friday [: Today Kassandra and I were walking around looking at the different organizations' booths, and this Filipino guy comes up to us and asks if we've been to the PAC booth. Both of us freaked cuz that's actually what we were hunting for hahah. But I'm really excited for it. Everyone by the booth was fun and they seemed really nice! There's a party this weekend or something, too, and I may go! Hopefully I'm not working.. Hmmm, one thing though, I'm hella nervous for PAC Modern auditions next week O_o But all in all, I can still say my college-hype has not faded yet, and it is only going to get better [: Finally moving on and becoming independent. You may say I'm growing up too fast, but I cant sit around and wait for you to grow up. Just being honest. Oh, and btw, you really don't know what you're missing.

Sorry if my posts are sounding redundant. Hahaha. And just for the record, today was another day well spent at school. and OMGPOP really rocks as a time killer!

bittersweet?

FIVE DAY WEEKEND! HELLYEAAAH! And then the intellectual and practical side of me kicks in and says... The government is ripping me off!! I'm paying for a ridiculously increased tuition, and the government is forcing the school to close on certain days [called furlough days]? What is this madness?! Sometimes, I'm really pissed off about this. And other times, I rejoice in being able to say that I have a FIVE DAY weekend! Oh, and for those of you who are missing the connection here, my class today was canceled 'cuz of these furlough days and next Tuesday, is a campus-wide furlough day. Monday being Labor Day. Fuck the government for jipping me of my education! ....but five day weekend, here I come :D Oh, and by the way, I still absolutely love college and I feel as if it's only going to get better [: Next week is week of welcome, and I am so excited to finally be able to join all the organizations I want to. I want to be busy. Being busy makes me feel like I'm doing something with my life. Lately, I've been keeping my thoughts busy.. and let me tell you, it's been working wonderfully! Because last night took me by surprise in more ways than one. [here is where I transition into my postscript.. although PSs aren't really supposed to have transitions, are they? haha too bad!]

{PostScript} Have you ever sincerely cried tears of joy? Think about it; explore the depths of your memory... Was there ever a time you were so pleasantly surprised about something, it induced tears? Last night, for the first time in my life, I cried tears of joy. I guess I've been so busy with 'starting anew' and distracting myself that I kept my thoughts busy, a little too well. Because to be honest, I almost forgot about you. And when I looked at my phone last night, I cried tears of joy. Not to put a downer on my own story, but I hope you mean what you say. Lately I have been skeptical about your words, for often times in the past they were lacking support from your actions. But I really hope this small change I saw continues. Because if not, I think it might be too easy for me to push you to the back of my mind. And don't confuse a warning with a threat.

CSULB!

Another day spent well at school (: Athena, Kyle, and I ran into Kevin and his friend Bright, at the library on campus. So we just chilled and talked for hours and stuff. It was fun (: Then in my math class, this guy asked, "What's that fishy thing?" .... I thought I was gonna die. THE FRIGGIN INFINITY SIGN! I don't know what I'm doing in that class.. Oh that's right. It's 'cuz I'm too bad at math to pass Calc AB, and definitely not BC. Hahha. Oh well. I have a dilemma. I don't know if I should audition for PAC Modern like I want to :[ I have class during the audition week.. then again, it's just math... The auditions are in two weeks, so we should still be doing easy stuff.. but that's not the only problem. I don't even know if I have time in my schedule to be on a collegiate dance team :[ With work and school.. AAAARGGGH! I don't know what to do!!

CHANGE.

All I really needed what a new environment I think. New faces, new places. I notice I get really dramatic when I'm unhappy. I also notice that when I AM happy, see myself as a completely different person.. COMPLETELY different. It's really quite strange..

But anyway, I'm back on here sooner than I expected to be. And that is such a good thing. I'm healing a lot faster than I expected to be. I'm dealing with this change, easier than I expected I would. Yesterday was PERFECT. I ♥ college. I enjoyed walking around a busy campus, not knowing every single face that passed me by. Although, I must admit, the thing I missed about Oxford was always having someone around to talk to. But it's okay, I'll get used to it, I think. And eventually I'll make new friends too. I absolutely love the fact that there are two Starbucks within vision distance of each other. I love that I can sit down anywhere on campus, in a shady spot and just relax. Yesterday I was different. And I speak as a person who watches from the outside, because I always do that. Honestly, sometimes I really feel like I have multiple people in my body. Not in a schizophrenic or bipolar-ic (?) way, I don't think. Though, I know in the past I used to think I was..haha. Anyway, sorry, I'm getting so off-topic. As I was saying; yesterday I was different. It was easy for me to just introduce myself to the person sitting next to me. I don't know. I've never been able to do that before, really. There's just something about being in a new place that gave me that self-confidence that wasn't in me before. I felt.. amazing. And I really hope that this hype I have going for college isn't just going to die out by next week. Haha. The only negatives of yesterday are as follows. I realized I'm probably going to end up spending A LOT of money buying food & Starbucks on campus. I wish I had a macbook, or a smaller laptop I can carry around :( I also realized that I'm going to lose a lot of water bottles every day..I keep forgetting about them when I place them down somewhere. Another thing I realized is what Athena said about being really out of shape.. I mean, I was freakin' out of breath walking up five flights of stairs. Ridiculous me. Yesterday was perfect, and today was short [that's another story]. BUT, I can already tell I'm going to love my intro to acting class! My teacher is awesome! Hilarious and active. And people in my class aren't that shy either. Oh and my professor said we go as a class to watch shows and stuff. I AM EXCITED. College pretty much rocks so far, even though it's only been two days. I hope this lasts. I really do. 'Cuz my mind, body, heart, and soul need it!

P.S. By the way. The Summer Intensive 6 Showcase last weekend was the most amazing experience ever. Here's the video of my group, Seniors Advanced 2b. I'm the one in the black boots [: Being in every piece was definitely tiring, but definitely worth it! I'm glad I decided to audition for each piece.. 'cuz for one of the pieces I wasn't going to audition for, I ended up being in Top Ten :O! Teehee. Although the night didn't end as well as I hoped, I will never forget performing this set. And that day, I made a lot of friends too [: It helps when I have a car and I'm able to offer to drive people down the street to get some food.. hahahah. Hey, whatever works right? [;