expectations.

harmonykay:

Be careful in being too caught up in what you think you ‘deserve’ in a significant other because you could be staring at each other the entire time, thinking that they’re not enough for you… when really, it could turn out to be the person of your dreams or someone you can grow to deeply love.
Expectations are important, but when you do find that someone, you’ll find that he or she will fall short of some, then many more of your little expectations. The key to making it last is letting yourself go and trusting that he or she alone, for WHO THEY ARE, is always more than enough. It’s a humbling experience, because you can’t live up to all of their expectations either.
I’m not saying to just settle with whoever comes into your life next; trust, I think many men and women in this world should fall in love with someone who is good to them, who share a connection, and develop a deep care for each other… for me, it’s someone who loves God just as much as I do. But just keep your eyes, mind, and heart open and be ready for your little ‘requirements’ to be broken down quick.
In the time that we try and imagine up the ‘perfect guy’ or the ‘ideal’ relationship or get caught up in the daze that someone is ‘out there, just waiting for me’… we could be missing out on something great.
I’m thankful I didn’t.

----> Ditto for me. You were spot on, Harmony. It’s funny because I was just having this conversation with someone last night. And the day before yesterday I just watched The Ugly Truth. The thing is, no one is ever going to find their “walking checklist.” It’s only natural to prefer certain qualities over others, but using a “carefully calculated set of venal choices” [as they said in The Ugly Truth haha] when choosing a partner is really just absurd. Because no one is perfect enough to live up to everyone’s expectations. The greatest thing about love is learning how to accept people as they are, flaws and all. It’s learning about YOURSELF, and realizing that those things on your checklist really aren’t all that important. Because you are completely capable of being happy without them being checked off [: That’s the beauty of love.

engaged.

Today my cousin had her engagement party. She plans to get married sometime in May of 2011; kinda far off, but still the whole family is excited and happy! I'M excited! I get to be a bridesmaid :D! hahahah. It's been tough for them lately because Alvin is living in Connecticut to work for ESPN. But good news is that he just got promoted! So he might be moving back to LA real soon [: Alvin and my Ate Jenmay are so perfect for each other. And you can tell they're so happy together. While we were cleaning up the venue after the engagement party, he grabbed her and started slow dancing to the song that was playing! The fams went AWWW! It was so cute! But anyway, all this wedding talk makes me wanna have a wedding! Hahaha! I just had a debut, so no! I'll stick to watching wedding movies for now [:

memory

We are meant to experience certain things in life so that we can learn from them. But sometimes, do you ever wish you could just completely forget something? Completely erase it from your memory's existence? I do.

“What’s worse than wanting something you can’t have? It’s not knowing what you want. Wishing on all the stars in the sky for the answers to your questions, for something to believe in, someone to hold. Having absolutely no control over yourself, being caught up in a place you wish you were miles away from. Being stuck somewhere between the past and the future, nowhere near where you should be - in the present. Stuck in yesterdays and tomorrows, so far from home, far from everything you know and love. The uncertainty could just about tear you to bits.”

something good this time.

poor blog. hearing about all the crap in my life. it's quite jealous of my tumblr. hahahhahaaha. well, here's something good this time, old friend [:

I love spending Christmas at my cousin's house every year. And even though we had an aunt who tried to get attention by ridiculously being a party pooper killjoy [as usual], it didn't get to the rest of us! Mr. Connecticut was a pleasure to be around; we miss him dearly. Derek seems to be adjusting better; he doesn't isolate himself as much anymore. I guess it helps that we're all trying to reconnect with him. Ever since his parents' divorce it's been difficult to reach out to him. I knew he just needed time though [: Christmas Eve was a blast! All the girls in the family walking around the house showing off our Cutesygirl boots :D The night was perfect in so many ways, and not perfect in one. But let's not focus on the bad stuff. It's Christmas! [:
So I pretty much got everything I wanted this year. And I MIGHT have a new phone tomorrow :O! I might as well splurge.. I think I deserve it. Then again, this just might be my crave for retail therapy for my "stress." Hahaha.. we shall see! The only [other] thing I really want right now is a new black purse. Hmmm.
CHRISTMAS 2009

not pictured: starbucks gift card, chevron gas card, some extra cash, nice black jacket from gerard, cute pj shorts from gabs, black laptop bag I asked my mom to buy when we were at target then asked her to wrap [hahahah], and a greenish-blue v-neck long sleeve from chadell. oh, and the blanket & green sweats I got from katrina, and another blanket I got from my pimp rich. i think i got it all. thanks to everyone (:

much love on Christmas day, rona ♥

stressed about scrambled eggs.

I'm jealous of the people who don't seem to have much to worry about. Either they really have nothing to worry about, or they're good at hiding it. Either way, I'm jealous of those people.
Sometimes it makes me angry when other people can just ask for money and get it. I have to worry about gas money and paying for my books.. and my parents yelling at each other AND me about financial problems. This is why I try to stay away from home as much as possible. I work not only for the money, but for the escape. However, working a lot doesn't leave much time to go out and have some fun. I feel tired. Not the kind of tired people get from going out too much. The kind of tired that grown-ups feel when they're stressed out and worried about living. I feel like I'm growing up too fast. I really don't have much of a choice right now though. I've got a burden on my back that I can't avoid. My parents are getting old and pissy.. and it drives me insane. As bad as that sounds, it's the truth. I feel pressured to do everything right. I want to make mistakes. I want to learn. I want to experience life. But I can't. A year ago, I would normally be b*tching about not having independence. My wishes were granted, and then some. There's a price for everything, I guess. If anything I should have been more specific with my wish. I should've wished for college-girl independence, not middle-aged-stressed-out-adult independence. It's like my life flash forwarded. Well, I want to be married and with a child before 30. Maybe my kids won't have to deal with "old and pissy" at a young age.
I have a friend who confessed a good deal of 'new stuff' about their life. A lot of things I can't really relate to. To be honest, it kept me up all night. They told me because they needed to tell someone who wouldn't judge them. But how do I tell them how I really feel? That I feel like I don't know them anymore.. That I'm worried now about things that COULD happen to them if they're not careful. I don't really know what's stopping me. ARGH. I should tell them. If not, I'll be like Person #1 that I wrote a letter to in my previous post: a person who doesn't tell her "friend" the truth of how she feels. And I wouldn't want to be a hypocrite, now would I?
People say it's hard to stand up for what you believe in, but in reality, it's easy. The hard part is ACTING on what you believe in. Anybody can just stand there and say what they believe. But having your actions match your true beliefs? A trait, rare amongst human nature. Being morally 'good' is lonely sometimes and that drives temptation up the walls. But I've got to be strong. I can't be like everybody else. As long as I know what I'm doing is right, I'll be okay. Hopefully.

Dear friend.

I'm not quite sure if you still read my ridiculous blog. And I'm not quite sure you still care enough to. I know I'm not perfect. I know that I don't deserve this. In high school, you always told me things were okay. You never disagreed with anything I'd say while I ranted or asked for your advice. You never told me whenever you thought I was wrong. You just let me live in oblivion. Either that or you fed my neediness. Nodded your head and echoed me, saying he was a selfish jerk. Tell me something, does a good friend comfort and protect from pain? In other words, does a good friend say euphonic phrases and hide truth from it's victim? I don't get it. What did HE do to deserve truth? Or better yet, what did I do, NOT to deserve it? Was it the period of time we mutually ignored each other? In those months did he somehow manage to pull ahead in this race for your honesty? I'm begging you to correct me if I'm wrong, but I was never a bad friend. I was there for you when you needed it, and I indulged in all your joys. Sure, I'm not the greatest friend ever to exist, but who is? I did everything I could. Think you could say the same? What did I do to deserve your excessive over-protection or kindness? There's no real substance between us. Not anymore, at least. You've filled the space between us with faux feelings. WHY? Oh, and don't say I'm caught up in the past because this is still the present condition: you're still fake with me. I'm not sure if that's even any better than the nonexistent relationship I have with a girl I once knew. At least she isn't teasing me. We can either turn this gray area black and white, or continue to deny there's a problem and avoid confrontation. Last time I checked, it's your turn to make a call. Oh wait, what turns? ..That's right! I'M the only one between the two of us that has made ANY calls. So, what are you gonna do?

talk

i need someone to talk to.
not because i have a problem. but because i need good conversation.
good, honest conversation.
i need someone to talk to.
someone who won't lie. someone who'll be honest.
not saying something is the same as lying, in my book.
honest people are so hard to find.
and friends are hard to come by.

i may have been watching too much House.

perfidy.

funny how the pokemon episode i'm watching right now taught me a new word:
perfidy - betrayal of a trust
i wonder what it takes just to get some honesty in this world..

i'm surrounded by perfidious people. arghh.

moral dilemma.

talk about moral dilemmas..ja;dfalsdfj;ikk;f.
have you ever had a fight with temptation?
i wish i could be in multiple places at one time. that'd be nice.
last night was a lonely night :(
must stop shopping..
i have a strong desire to dress up. any takers?
missing having a camera -___-;
not to brag, but i like when costumers ask me where i bought my shoes, jacket, etc etc (:
i've been watching episodes of the first pokemon season. throwback!
House keeps me company at night. "Misery loves company."

wish you were here.

i'm okay - tiffany evans

"I'm okay. I dont need you to define me. I'm not the girl that I used to be. Look what you did to me, look what you did. I'm okay. Nothing that you did could break me. I can be strong still on my own two feet. Look what you did to me, look what you did. Your words can't keep me down. I'll rise up off the ground."

Some memories are meant to stay memories, and nothing more than a figment of the past that fades as fast as people leave. Some of the best times of our lives are just meant to be the prologue to the chapters that actually spell out our lives. I've got years ahead of me, and why should I let someone so small bring me down, especially now that I've finally begun to find happiness in life. I wish I could stop hurting, because I don't want anything to do with it anymore.

retail!

Things I HATE about working retail:
1. hella long holiday hours.. we close at 10pm on a Sunday.. a freakin Sunday!
2. people who leave clothes all over the freakin floor in their dressing room.. at least hang it back on the hanger if you're not gonna bring it out!
3. when people don't greet you back. ever since i started working retail, never again will i ever ignore a salesperson who says "hello, how are you?" when i walk into a store.
4. mothers who bring like twenty little kids and can't keep an eye on them..ARGH! [okay, maybe not twenty, but you get the idea!]
5. people who leave a shoe they tried on just on the floor, or on the couch. okay, OBVIOUSLY it doesn't belong there.. at least put it on the shelf if you're not gonna put it back right where it came from!
6. when the owners of the store come in to check on the store at a hella random time!! :O one of those "crap, im gonna get fired!" moments..
7. when people drop a shirt or skirt or something on the floor, or it falls off a hanger cuz they touched it, and they just leave it there..even when IM STANDING THERE EYEING THEM.
8. only a 30-minute break for any shift thats 5 hours or more.
9. people who make me pull out twenty pairs of shoes and end up buying NONE of them.
10. when managers are sitting on their ass most of the time, just telling the rest of us what to do. if i'm ever a manager of anything, I'll make sure to manage more than just the employees. catch my drift?

Things I LOVE about working retail:
1. it's fun talking to nice/interesting people who come in
2. picking out outfits to change the mannequins
3. seeing the store all clean and organized
4. fun co-workers [:
5. when people BUY a lot of things
6. when people ask for your opinion about an outfit, or if you have any recommendations for an engagement party, lets say. it's like playing dress-up all day!
7. crazy customers make for good stories.. hahaha.
8. EMPLOYEE DISCOUNTS!!! HAHA!
9. nice/chill managers who let me give my employee discounts to like my aunts and cousins
10.the look on a girl's face when she finds THE perfect pair of shoes! ♥

parasites.

i have a feeling everyone who needed to read this have read it already. and for those of you who didnt need to, sorry for the intensity.

winter 09-10

I have a month off for Winter Break, so let's make plans, yes?!

12 pasko party
15 cutesygirl ugly xmas sweater party
16 psyc final / math final
17 thea final
18 poli sci final / snow trip?
19 winter break starts!
20 dereks bday
25 Christmas Day
27 engagement party
1 new years
25 spring semester
31 VIBE 15!

GLEE!!

The GLEE Finale was so amazing!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE this show! Watching it every week makes me nostalgic. I really miss show choir, and I wish I could perform like that again. My brother said he's getting me the albums for Christmas yay! And I WANT THE SEASON 1 DVD [: hahahah. Mercedes is SO good!! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqEuN9OOZs8] and Dont Rain On My Parade was really good too! [http://utterbliss.tumblr.com/#277750725] OH and I pretty much SCREAMED like a little girl at the end of episode!! A;LDKJSA;DLKFJ; I can't wait 'til Spring!!

"And I am telling you, I'm not going. You're the best man I've ever known. There's no way I can ever go. No, no, there's no way. No, no, no, no way I'm living without you."

"Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter. Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter. Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade. Don't tell me not to fly I've simply got to."

epic fail.

Today, I pulled an epic fail. When the school emailed me about my registration date forever ago, I read it as Dec. 8, 2009 11am. At 11:00AM today, I attempted to register but it said I was invalid. I started freaking out. I looked for the email to double check, and it said: Dec. 8, 2009 1pm. FAIL! Well anyway, for the most part I'm satisfied with my schedule. I only have classes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday next semester! Perfect! I'm not really sure why I'm blogging right now. I guess I just feel lonely. Lately I have been, and I don't know why. It's odd.

retreat & christmasfest

I'm not exactly allowed to talk about retreat to anyone outside of Modern, so all I'm gonna say is that it was the most memorable experience of my life! And I've never been blindfolded for so long, wow. It was hella fun and I feel like i belong more on the team. PAC Modern has changed me ♥ So we got back to Rod's house from retreat at about 3am and when we got there we watched UP. I got about three hours of sleep that night.. haha 'cuz the next day was Christmasfest. Christmasfest was cool because I got to see all the PAC Campers perform. Let me tell you though, it was HELLA FREEZING that night! I wish I was able to buy a RadIsRad Passion shirt though =/ This week and next week I have to study for finals and work on projects and stuff. It's kinda stressful, but not as stressful than I ever was at Oxford. Next semester I might be though, with competition season coming up, PCN, and more classes [tougher too]. Right now I'm waiting til 11am so I can register for my classes. God, I'm praying that the classes I want don't get filled up :(

I don't get it. I was never a bad friend.. I never hurt anyone. I was always the one to take the first step too whenever something went wrong.. I was always the one who sacrificed. I was always the one who gave in first. It never mattered that I was the one who was hurting.. It never mattered that I was in pain and no one tried to consider my feelings.. I was still there. The days I wanted to yell "now you know how it feels" I held back and decided to be comforting instead. So what exactly did I do in life to deserve this? It never mattered that I knew them longer.. or first. They never liked me better. I was easily replaced by someone I could never even be mad at.. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR.

Friends come and go. I don't know why I ever thought you would be any different..