www.utterbliss.tumblr.com
I think I'm gonna use my tumblr more often than my blogspot. Cuz tbh, I'm too lazy to keep both up hahaa. kthxbye (:

VIBE XV!

"You know about this group.. this is absolute FAMILY" ♥

Damn right. And just like what Sonny said, "F*CK THE TROPHY!" because the crowd says all. It felt so good to be on that stage for those seven minutes with these people that I have grown to love. Despite Arvin's fall and dislocated knee, we pushed it 'til the end. I really hope he gets better soon. Our set definitely stood out from the rest, and I honestly think Common Ground and TM deserved their place. I can't stop watching our performance on youtube.. the end really gets me hyped up just sitting at my computer. You can hear the crowd throughout our ENTIRE set, but starting from 5:13 til the very very end, the crowd was WILD! That was so AMAZING to feel from the stage, you have NO IDEA. Our goal was to put on a show and I think we went to infinity and beyond!! VIBE was such an amazing experience.. seeing a lot of my dance friends from when I was on Kreative and from when I did Summer Intensive. There's so much support and love throughout the dance community, even during competitions. There really aren't many words to describe it. I definitely enjoyed watching the other teams too; they're a great inspiration to everyone, including myself. And thinking about all this now, it's crazy to think of how far I've come. From just starting from dance classes for choir in high school.. to now that I'm on Modern.. it's really INSANE. And I really have Lizzy Richardson to thank for that. I was so lucky to have her be the one who started OADK. She exposed me to the dance community and inspired me to be a part of it. Without her, I don't think I'd be where I am today. Or even be who I am today. Life is amazing right now. Yeah I have my days where I worry and stress out, but in general, I don't think I've ever been happier :D

im worried about a lot of things right now. like, everything in my life. everything.

Forgiveness

What's harder? Forgiving someone who constantly lets you down? Or forgiving someone who let you down once, real badly? I'm not sure of what I'm trying to get at.. but I just need to vent at the moment. Someone told me that the reason it's so hard for me to forgive someone who let me down real hard is because I used to care about that person the most (and our relationship was real) that when they let me down, I was too disappointed to want to give them another chance. Someone else argues that the reason I can't forgive that person is because I STILL care, and I just can't get over the pain. I honestly don't know. Maybe it's both. I just know that right now, I'm not really up for forgiving.. And as for people who constantly let me down, why is so much easier to forgive them? You'd think it'd be more frustrating to have to keep forgiving someone almost on a daily basis.. & To be honest it's really really ANNOYING to feel so unsure about someone just because they only talk to you when THEY want to. And yet, I still find myself forgiving their inconsistency day after day. I admit some days it really pisses me off. I don't know why I can forgive them though, and not the other. I just don't understand what or who inside me makes the decision of who to forgive.. or why 'it' chooses to forgive one and not the other. They say forgiveness is the key to a happy relationship: accepting that we are all human and that we all make mistakes.. but I don't know. What's worse, a relationship that's so safe it feels unreal, or a lack of a relationship because it was once oh so real? You know, it's like the whole "it's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all." Is that really true? Does pain really constitute how real something is? Or was? I don't know anymore.

VIBE in 9 days!

Last night was the last day of our hell week. We have next week's rehearsals, and then VIBE on Sunday! :O! I'm so excited. Our set is finally coming together, and I'm beginning to see how it's gonna look. I can't imagine how I'm gonna feel on stage, right before we perform. I know I just might pee in my pants out of nervousness and excitement! You know what I really like about this set? We focus a lot on the elements; popping, locking, breaking, and even wacking. PAC Modern stands out as a team because we're one of the few teams left who hasn't jumped on the choreo bandwagon. All competitive dance teams are starting to look the same, as they all focus on trying to beat each others' choreo. Everyone is beginning to forget where dancing came from: the elements. It's funny because when I think about it, choreo has been my forte, and it was what I wanted to focus on since I started dancing. I wasn't very interested in training for the elements because like everyone else, I liked choreo. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that choreo can be really SICK, especially when it's hella clean [like choreo cookies]. But too many teams are starting to look like each other now. PAC Modern has opened my eyes to see that the elements need to come back. Hip hop dancing needs to go back to its roots. Not to say anything bad about TM or Kaba, but even they have resorted to major choreo exploitation. TM and Kaba only stand out from the rest because of their cleanliness and because TM's style [Toybox..haha] is without a doubt unique; and Kaba stands out because of how clean and on the spot their isolations are. Even so, they're beginning to drift from their roots. PAC Modern, TM, and Kaba Modern were "The Big Three" back then because of how they brilliantly showed the world the wonders of the elements of hip hop dancing. It's a sad to see that our team is one of the very few [if not the only] that has revived its past. For us, it's not about winning the competitions. That'd be a plus. For us, it's about knowing where we came from and never forgetting our roots. It's about being a team that stands apart from the rest because of that and not because of how many titles we've held in the past couple years. Even though sometimes I think I'd do better on another team because choreo is my forte, I realize that I'm doing the right thing. I'm training myself in the elements and it's helping me be a better dancer by working on what I'm weak at. So popping and breaking, watch out! hahaha jk. But in all seriousness, I can't wait 'til VIBE. You're gonna keep hearing me say that by the way [:

change is good (:

Pictures to show my new hair. I like it [: Rod is officially my hair stylist hahaha. Yay for friends who went to beauty school!

PAC MODERN ♥

Pictured: PAC Modern Newbies. FALL O9 ♥
Finally getting a chance to sit down and blog. It’s been a crazy, busy weekend. Saturday was our photoshoot, and although it was extremely cold in the morning on top of Signal Hill, it was fun! Rodel posted some of his candid photos and they already look amazing! Can’t wait to see the rest of them. After the photoshoot was the Alumni Mixer. I must say, that was one of the most mind-opening experiences I’ve ever had in my life. You’d think one would get bored listening to someone talk for hours, but for me, I could have listened to the Alumni all night. Their stories.. their advice.. their history and backgrounds.. their experiences.. their struggles.. their triumphs.. all of these make PAC Modern what it is today. And what exactly is it? a FAMILY. One of MY favorite quotes of the night was [paraphrased:], “It’s not about being the best and winning the most competitions, it’s about being a family and creating such strong bonds and helping each other become better dancers.” That struck me the most. Because a lot of collegiate dance teams are so competitive that they’re even “competitive amongst each other.” It shouldn’t be like that. Another one of my favorite things said last night was the relation of Where the Wild Things Are to PAC Modern. “We’re all gonna die. [lots of laughter] But it’s not about living forever; it’s about creating something that will.” After fifteen strong years, PAC Modern still lives, and PAC Modern will live forever as the team who knows best about what being a ‘team’ really means. After that night, my perspective, too, has changed. All of a sudden it’s not just about doing what I love, but about giving my all and giving back to a long history of perseverance and inspiration. It’s about leaving something behind to future generations that’s more than just titles and trophies and stories. It’s about experiencing such vibes that no other dance team does. The further along this year goes, the more I’m beginning to feel like I made the right decision in auditioning for PAC Modern. Coming from, and having experienced, other dance environments, I still love the ambiance that comes along with PAC Modern. May VIBE hell week come! I’m motivated, inspired, and ready for this week! VIBE IN 13 DAYS!

avocado

my avocado look :P i was bored earlier today so i did my nails. two shades of green and black tips. haha iono, felt like being creative. my hair appointment is tomorrow. i decided, i'm just gonna do whatever! and however it turns out.. well, ill just take it. hair grows anyway, and i just wanted something different. anyway, im planning to go shopping tomorrow! or wednesday! or both! hahah. come! and i'm gonna stop by vinitas because it's been forever since i went. gosh, if only beauty wasnt so pricey :P

definiton of diet.

diet: [n] a particular selection of food, esp. as designed or prescribed to improve a person's physical condition.
I dare say that my physical condition needs improvement in the fact that I need more meat on my bones. Don't you agree?! Therefore, my 'VIBE DIET' shall consist of a "selection of food..designed" for me to gain some weight! So while all of Modern is busy STAYING HUNGRY, I shall be stuffing myself with food [not too unhealthy of course!] buahaha. That's right Modern, be jealous [:



VIBE XV is in 23 DAYS! VIBE week 1 is officially over, and let me tell you.. I AM HELLA EXCITED!! I finally have all the choreo down; I just need to clean. We still have to learn the intro and ending, still have to block and do transitions, but other than that, we're pretty good! I honestly cannot wait 'til my first major competition. Sure, I've done some competitions with Kreative but THIS?! This is huge for me! Come watch if you'd like! But I suggest you buy your tickets like.. NOW. Cuz they go out hella fast! I can't wait :D

a what point oh?!

I can't remember the last time I got a 4.0 ...hahaha. Despite me knowing I intentionally made an easy first semester, I still didn't expect it. Next semester is gonna be tough though. I might have relaxed too much first semester hahaha. Competition season, PCN season, Spring 2010 semester here I come! [After the next couple weeks of break left, that is buaahaha!]

2O1O is HERE.

It's really hard to believe 2009 is over. Like really. A year goes by so fast.. 2009 was a year I'll definitely remember. May have been one of my most memorable ones, actually. I was gonna do this the way A-Cuh did it and go by months, but there's a lot of things that went on this past year, that if I posted one picture from everything I felt was really important, this post would be EXTREMELY long. I also have to agree with Kimly. She said on HER post that this is one New Years where she doesn't have so many regrets or anything, and I feel the same way. I really feel like 2009 was a great year; a year I'll remember forever. Of course, it had its downs, but I can also say that I've had some of the best times of my life in the past 365 days. Considering the first half of the year was spent being a second semester senior.. everything was chill! Lots of memories were made with senior activities, and winterformal/prom, graduation, grad night, etc etc. the list goes on forever about senior year. I can honestly say I had fun, and it would most likely be one of my favorites years at Oxford. [FINALLY getting a performer of the night for a choir show?! i mean, come on! haha :P] After graduating from Oxford and stuff was SummerO9 and MY DEBUT! Which definitely was a success for me ♥ I had an amazing time with amazing people whom I love dearly. A day I'll never forget! In the summer I did TM's Summer Intensive and that was for sure memorable, as well! SummerO9 was definitely a roller coaster. My aunt and uncle divorced..that shook the family greatly. On the other hand, my cousin got engaged! That was good. I had a lot of time over the summer to think things out..and I remember having some difficulty about who I was [and who I was becoming/who I wanted to be] and who I needed to keep and who I needed to let go in my life. During the summer I thought a lot about the future; I mean, couldnt really blame me, I was hella scared and nervous and excited for college and for the years ahead of me. During the summer/towards the end of it, I had troubles at home about gaining independence and whatnot, but alas it all passed too. Thankfully. The beginning of my first semester in college was AMAZING, to say the least. Though it was painful in two ways, it was so much fun in many! Looking back and reading through old posts from the past year, I think I've grown the most in the year 2009. In January 2009, my new years resolution was to work on my self-control. I think I accomplished it in some way. I've learned to control my emotions and make feeling them a little separate from my actions. I'll always feel how I feel, but I learned how to think first before I act. Bad experiences from O9 have definitely taught me how to think first before I do something stupid. Some of my relationships have grown stronger, and others have diminished, but it's okay. Not everything is meant to last forever. I think by the end of 2009, I've learned to have a more positive outlook in life. Being optimistic is really good for you. And although it kinda shows that I post a lot less, and my writing doesn't seem as strong as it used to, it's okay. It's a price to pay for happiness and I really don't mind [: 2O1O is gonna be another good year! Lots of things up&coming and I MUST think positively right now, or I'll freak out and be stressed hahah. My new years resolution for this year is to maintain an optimistic view on everything I do. This is gonna be a tough one, but hey, that's why it's a new years resolution! Happy New Years everyone [:

ps. ask me something, anything! formspring

expectations.

harmonykay:

Be careful in being too caught up in what you think you ‘deserve’ in a significant other because you could be staring at each other the entire time, thinking that they’re not enough for you… when really, it could turn out to be the person of your dreams or someone you can grow to deeply love.
Expectations are important, but when you do find that someone, you’ll find that he or she will fall short of some, then many more of your little expectations. The key to making it last is letting yourself go and trusting that he or she alone, for WHO THEY ARE, is always more than enough. It’s a humbling experience, because you can’t live up to all of their expectations either.
I’m not saying to just settle with whoever comes into your life next; trust, I think many men and women in this world should fall in love with someone who is good to them, who share a connection, and develop a deep care for each other… for me, it’s someone who loves God just as much as I do. But just keep your eyes, mind, and heart open and be ready for your little ‘requirements’ to be broken down quick.
In the time that we try and imagine up the ‘perfect guy’ or the ‘ideal’ relationship or get caught up in the daze that someone is ‘out there, just waiting for me’… we could be missing out on something great.
I’m thankful I didn’t.

----> Ditto for me. You were spot on, Harmony. It’s funny because I was just having this conversation with someone last night. And the day before yesterday I just watched The Ugly Truth. The thing is, no one is ever going to find their “walking checklist.” It’s only natural to prefer certain qualities over others, but using a “carefully calculated set of venal choices” [as they said in The Ugly Truth haha] when choosing a partner is really just absurd. Because no one is perfect enough to live up to everyone’s expectations. The greatest thing about love is learning how to accept people as they are, flaws and all. It’s learning about YOURSELF, and realizing that those things on your checklist really aren’t all that important. Because you are completely capable of being happy without them being checked off [: That’s the beauty of love.

engaged.

Today my cousin had her engagement party. She plans to get married sometime in May of 2011; kinda far off, but still the whole family is excited and happy! I'M excited! I get to be a bridesmaid :D! hahahah. It's been tough for them lately because Alvin is living in Connecticut to work for ESPN. But good news is that he just got promoted! So he might be moving back to LA real soon [: Alvin and my Ate Jenmay are so perfect for each other. And you can tell they're so happy together. While we were cleaning up the venue after the engagement party, he grabbed her and started slow dancing to the song that was playing! The fams went AWWW! It was so cute! But anyway, all this wedding talk makes me wanna have a wedding! Hahaha! I just had a debut, so no! I'll stick to watching wedding movies for now [:

memory

We are meant to experience certain things in life so that we can learn from them. But sometimes, do you ever wish you could just completely forget something? Completely erase it from your memory's existence? I do.

“What’s worse than wanting something you can’t have? It’s not knowing what you want. Wishing on all the stars in the sky for the answers to your questions, for something to believe in, someone to hold. Having absolutely no control over yourself, being caught up in a place you wish you were miles away from. Being stuck somewhere between the past and the future, nowhere near where you should be - in the present. Stuck in yesterdays and tomorrows, so far from home, far from everything you know and love. The uncertainty could just about tear you to bits.”

something good this time.

poor blog. hearing about all the crap in my life. it's quite jealous of my tumblr. hahahhahaaha. well, here's something good this time, old friend [:

I love spending Christmas at my cousin's house every year. And even though we had an aunt who tried to get attention by ridiculously being a party pooper killjoy [as usual], it didn't get to the rest of us! Mr. Connecticut was a pleasure to be around; we miss him dearly. Derek seems to be adjusting better; he doesn't isolate himself as much anymore. I guess it helps that we're all trying to reconnect with him. Ever since his parents' divorce it's been difficult to reach out to him. I knew he just needed time though [: Christmas Eve was a blast! All the girls in the family walking around the house showing off our Cutesygirl boots :D The night was perfect in so many ways, and not perfect in one. But let's not focus on the bad stuff. It's Christmas! [:
So I pretty much got everything I wanted this year. And I MIGHT have a new phone tomorrow :O! I might as well splurge.. I think I deserve it. Then again, this just might be my crave for retail therapy for my "stress." Hahaha.. we shall see! The only [other] thing I really want right now is a new black purse. Hmmm.
CHRISTMAS 2009

not pictured: starbucks gift card, chevron gas card, some extra cash, nice black jacket from gerard, cute pj shorts from gabs, black laptop bag I asked my mom to buy when we were at target then asked her to wrap [hahahah], and a greenish-blue v-neck long sleeve from chadell. oh, and the blanket & green sweats I got from katrina, and another blanket I got from my pimp rich. i think i got it all. thanks to everyone (:

much love on Christmas day, rona ♥

stressed about scrambled eggs.

I'm jealous of the people who don't seem to have much to worry about. Either they really have nothing to worry about, or they're good at hiding it. Either way, I'm jealous of those people.
Sometimes it makes me angry when other people can just ask for money and get it. I have to worry about gas money and paying for my books.. and my parents yelling at each other AND me about financial problems. This is why I try to stay away from home as much as possible. I work not only for the money, but for the escape. However, working a lot doesn't leave much time to go out and have some fun. I feel tired. Not the kind of tired people get from going out too much. The kind of tired that grown-ups feel when they're stressed out and worried about living. I feel like I'm growing up too fast. I really don't have much of a choice right now though. I've got a burden on my back that I can't avoid. My parents are getting old and pissy.. and it drives me insane. As bad as that sounds, it's the truth. I feel pressured to do everything right. I want to make mistakes. I want to learn. I want to experience life. But I can't. A year ago, I would normally be b*tching about not having independence. My wishes were granted, and then some. There's a price for everything, I guess. If anything I should have been more specific with my wish. I should've wished for college-girl independence, not middle-aged-stressed-out-adult independence. It's like my life flash forwarded. Well, I want to be married and with a child before 30. Maybe my kids won't have to deal with "old and pissy" at a young age.
I have a friend who confessed a good deal of 'new stuff' about their life. A lot of things I can't really relate to. To be honest, it kept me up all night. They told me because they needed to tell someone who wouldn't judge them. But how do I tell them how I really feel? That I feel like I don't know them anymore.. That I'm worried now about things that COULD happen to them if they're not careful. I don't really know what's stopping me. ARGH. I should tell them. If not, I'll be like Person #1 that I wrote a letter to in my previous post: a person who doesn't tell her "friend" the truth of how she feels. And I wouldn't want to be a hypocrite, now would I?
People say it's hard to stand up for what you believe in, but in reality, it's easy. The hard part is ACTING on what you believe in. Anybody can just stand there and say what they believe. But having your actions match your true beliefs? A trait, rare amongst human nature. Being morally 'good' is lonely sometimes and that drives temptation up the walls. But I've got to be strong. I can't be like everybody else. As long as I know what I'm doing is right, I'll be okay. Hopefully.

Dear friend.

I'm not quite sure if you still read my ridiculous blog. And I'm not quite sure you still care enough to. I know I'm not perfect. I know that I don't deserve this. In high school, you always told me things were okay. You never disagreed with anything I'd say while I ranted or asked for your advice. You never told me whenever you thought I was wrong. You just let me live in oblivion. Either that or you fed my neediness. Nodded your head and echoed me, saying he was a selfish jerk. Tell me something, does a good friend comfort and protect from pain? In other words, does a good friend say euphonic phrases and hide truth from it's victim? I don't get it. What did HE do to deserve truth? Or better yet, what did I do, NOT to deserve it? Was it the period of time we mutually ignored each other? In those months did he somehow manage to pull ahead in this race for your honesty? I'm begging you to correct me if I'm wrong, but I was never a bad friend. I was there for you when you needed it, and I indulged in all your joys. Sure, I'm not the greatest friend ever to exist, but who is? I did everything I could. Think you could say the same? What did I do to deserve your excessive over-protection or kindness? There's no real substance between us. Not anymore, at least. You've filled the space between us with faux feelings. WHY? Oh, and don't say I'm caught up in the past because this is still the present condition: you're still fake with me. I'm not sure if that's even any better than the nonexistent relationship I have with a girl I once knew. At least she isn't teasing me. We can either turn this gray area black and white, or continue to deny there's a problem and avoid confrontation. Last time I checked, it's your turn to make a call. Oh wait, what turns? ..That's right! I'M the only one between the two of us that has made ANY calls. So, what are you gonna do?

talk

i need someone to talk to.
not because i have a problem. but because i need good conversation.
good, honest conversation.
i need someone to talk to.
someone who won't lie. someone who'll be honest.
not saying something is the same as lying, in my book.
honest people are so hard to find.
and friends are hard to come by.

i may have been watching too much House.

perfidy.

funny how the pokemon episode i'm watching right now taught me a new word:
perfidy - betrayal of a trust
i wonder what it takes just to get some honesty in this world..

i'm surrounded by perfidious people. arghh.