unanswered.

why is there always a calm before the storm? why do things have to be pleasant before they become destructible? why does life have to be a tease? why cant we get the things we want? why is happiness so hard to find? why do i look for people who are never there? why cant i be good at something? why do i have to hide my pain with a smile? why do we play with fire, when we know we'll get burned? why would we rather go through hell than sleep alone at night? why cant you want me like i want you? why do i feel alone in a crowded room? why cant we be friends? why heal the pain, if it'll leave a scar? why cant you leave me alone? why do things always go wrong at one time? why do i practice being strong when i keep getting shattered? why do you have to do what you know hurts me? why cant you understand? why do i settle for less when i know i deserve more? why cant we just live in peace? why cant you just make me feel better? why wont you stop yelling at me? why cant i appreciate her more, when she's the only one who makes an effort? why cant i be somebody she deserves? why do you keep hurting me that way? why cant i just forget everyone who makes me cry? why cant i just dance forever? why do i have to cry? why do i have to feel? why do i live?

bring on the new year.

there's something i started to try to work on during the last months of 2008: self control. i dont think i succeeded. in regards to emotions, i must have mistaken self control and my clandestine behavior of suppression. there was no control..just a thick barrier preventing the escape, temporarily.. until i exploded (several times, at that). i believe i shall make it one of my resolutions for this year, this self control. it's going to be very difficult for me. i would go into detail, but i would need my diary for that. however, for some unknown reason, today i feel ready for 2009. perhaps tomorrow i will feel different. or the next day. or next week. but i am taking this opportunity to blog with this positivity in the air; for knowing me, it will soon phase out. this is gonna be a big year. the year i graduate from high school. my debut. the year i become a legal adult. my cousin graduates college this year as well. my other cousin also will promote from jr high. it's gonna be quite a year, with my senior days now numbered. and i am ready. i think.