Tuesday, November 4, 2008


ive been thinking a lot lately. with about twenty six days left of the month, and the end of sending in college apps... it makes me nervous to think that i STILL dont know what im doing. couple months ago i was attempting to make these decisions based on other factors in my life, not really where i wanted to go or what i wanted to do. but as im trying to fill in these apps right now, i keep thinking, why am i applying here? and to be honest, i cant ever give myself (or anyone) a real answer. and whenever i keep thinking about what i should check/type in as my "intended major" i default to chemistry. a lot of people have given me the WTH look; especially people in my family.. thing is, i cant think of anything else i would seriously intended on marking as my "intended major." dont get me wrong though, im COMPLETELY intimidated by the rigor of taking a chemistry-major path, especially when a lot of things in ap chem still confuse me. but i like chemistry. at least, i think i do. it's the only class subject i feel like i actually enjoy. why dont i major in english writing or something? i like to write..but i never really found myself confident enough to pursue a writing career. writing was always just a hobby, or a way of venting. what about choir related stuff? singing? out of the question. haha my singing is only meant for crazy karaoke parties. dancing? the thought has come to mind, of course. something just tells me that im not gonna get anywhere in life if seriously go into dancing... as much as i love it. iono.. i have even thought about theater or acting. i mean i love performing so much, right? something like that. but thats just a crazy, crazy life that i dont know i would be emotionally strong enough to handle hahaha.. besides, i dont really have any experience in acting. i hate history or anything history related, and i hate math. i kinda feel like i dont have any other option but to mark chemistry. cuz i actually like it, despite its difficulty. I DONT KNOW! ugh. my parents keep asking me what i want TO BE. and i have to freaking clue. and its driving me insane. people try to comfort me and tell me that its okay that i dont know yet. that the first years of college are about finding that out. but even knowing that, i still cant push away that scared/nervous feeling. the fact that im going into college without a freaking IDEA of what i want to be, or even what field i want to explore, reaaaaally makes me nervous... i just hate uncertainty. speaking of uncertainty, it may be too early for some people to think about the end of this year already, but ive been thinking about it for months. even since last year. it's not so fun. i hate that i dont know the slightest idea what might happen next summer, next fall, next winter... you get the idea. i guess i was never one who adapted well to change. but at the same time, theres other aspects of my life that i DO want changed. i want to get out of my house. iono how bad that sounds, but i really just want to get away from my parents. sorry. another thing, i almost want to start over as a person, once college rolls around. okay, so maybe not start over, because im a believer in the view that the past is important in making us who we are today. but i guess i just want to start a new life... in certain aspects. in others... im not so sure if i can handle change. but i'll see i guess. theres so much going through my mind these days, i can barely keep track. i need a job. but i need a car. but i need money. agh. and then my debut is coming up. which is gonna be hella fun, but stressful i know. high school is almost over. day by day its slowing starting to hit me. i look around though, and it doesnt seem to be hitting anyone else yet. i mean, to think that i might not ever see the person next me ever again after june? its bewildering. and i dont know what to make of it sometimes. i want to speak out, but im scared so i keep a lot of things in. i feel like i need to just sit with someone and talk, but whenever i get the chance, im speechless. i dont know.. this year i seem a lot more controlled and stable in comparison to last but in reality, i dont feel that way inside. in my mind, it's all still there. and the closer and closer it gets to november 30.. then june.. i feel like its too much too handle sometimes. i dont know. i need a good time. and some air. sigh.

in other news, im looking forward to thanksgiving dinner without my braces this year. wooohooo. and i kinda really wish it was winter break already.


Anonymous said...

"i want to get out of my house. iono how bad that sounds, but i really just want to get away from my parents."

"to think that i might not ever see the person next me ever again after june?"

the same two thoughts keep coming to mind

kimlypv said...

subtract enjoying chemistry and dancing (cause chem is death for me and i have two left feet) this was like reading my own thoughts.

weird part is ... i NEVER considered majoring in english til a month ago. more scary than weird. people tell me as long as you know by your second year of college you're good. don't worry too much. life will take you where you need to go.