Sunday, May 31, 2009


people give really strange looks when youre at the mall shopping by yourself. it really annoyed me. like, why cant i freakin just shop in peace?! so basically, i want to get rid of half my closet, and buy a lot of dresses. and shoes. i wish i had a money tree. i really want a lot of dresses.

prom was bomb, though i liked last year's better. a lot better actually. for several reasons. the food at park prive wasnt so great. the tiny dance floor, despite the spacious venue, was outside. there are other reasons, but i would rather not get into them. so lets take a step back and look at what i DID like. the leaf thing. the photobooth (i didnt take advantage of it though. ugh.). and the DJ wasnt anything to complain about. and thats all i can really think of.. it's alright. it wasnt horrible or anything so yay. though i didnt get the kind of cheesecake i expected =/

im excited for june. so much is happening, it's insane. eighteen here i come!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

four day weekend.

friday was awesome cuz it was band[aid]. speaking of which, Jumakae, who performed first that night, works at cerritos park east. she was the one who helped us today when i went with my parents to work on the layout of the place with the tables and other miscellaneous equipment. she's so nice. oh and she goes to csulb. what a small world. saturday morning was my cousins graduation at csuf. it was so hot! afternoon til night was debut practice. which was fun, as usual. except for a small thing that pissed me off. but whatever. some people just dont know how to be considerate.. after practice, gerard, gaby, will and shane stayed to watch Independence Day. good movie, i love will smith. sunday was my cousin's graduation party. which was alright i guess. lots of people. lots and lots of food. i ate way too much, and then knocked out in my cousin's room cuz i got food coma. monday was cleaning day. washed my car, did some chores, etc. then at ten pm i went to school for the Senior Prank. it was pretty fun actually, and im really glad i was able to go and participate. our class was good for something (: got home at 3am. couldnt sleep for another two hours ish.. today, tuesday was Senior Ditch Day, so i didnt go to school. had lunch with christina, will, and shane at gardenwalk. then hung out with shane for awhile after that, ordered our flowers for prom etc etc. and thats basically my four day weekend. though i had an overall pretty eventful and relaxing four day weekend, a lot of things have made me upset. but im doing my best not to make such a big deal out of it.. seems like i always just lose in the end anyway whether i share my feelings or not, so i might as well not. i have realized that a lot has changed since a couple months ago. ive gone out on a limb and taken my chances.. and good changes have come out of it. but at the same time, some things never change.. ill never be where i used to be before.. ill never be the one they call or text first.. ill never be the one they ask or go to.. ill always just sit here by his side and watch him be who i wish i was to them.. but it seems that better things come out of it when i just leave my pain to myself. other people are happier. people actually sorta talk to me. eh. i guess this is what it takes. i just wish there was one person who was willing to understand me and feel for me and just hold me and let me cry when i need to and say its okay. oh well, i guess.. less than four weeks left of this chapter in my life, and a new one will begin. "i will not miss always being second best." very well said. i expect a lot of things to happen once this year is over. a lot of good things. hopefully. cuz frankly, iono how much more pain i can keep inside of me. you know what hurts the most? when you KNOW, and yet you do whatever you want anyway, not taking me into consideration. and God says "thou shalt love thy neighbor" or whatever it is. where is the love? good friends are hard to find. people who you can trust, people who wont leave you hanging.. or leave you out.. people who take interest in your well being.. and will do everything to avoid hurting you. life used to be much simpler when my favorite thing to do was reign as hopscotch queen. i need someone to talk to. and since no one is willing to take what i have to say and do something.. well then i have no choice but to just vent it out here on this stupid blog and hope that maybe some of you will get a fcking clue. i hate that no matter how many times i repeat how i feel about things, people still continue to do whatever they want. even if it hurts me. and even though i make a hell of an effort to be good to them. im bitter and upset and sad and alone, with no one to sit down and have an ice cream heart-to-heart conversation with. fourteen effing days never seemed so long. GOD. and thats sincerely in prayer, not in vain.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

moral hazard

noun: the tendency of implied or guaranteed protection to lead an individual or organization to engage in riskier behavior than they would without the protection

the government has two options, to keep bailing out the banks, or to let them all go down so they learn their lesson. what if the latter option doesnt really exist? what if the loss of the government's help doesnt phase the banks? what if the banks think they can live without the government.. and yet the government needs the banks? then what is there to do but continue bailing them out?

when you keep forgiving people over and over again, what are the chances of them realizing how much pain they cause you?

Saturday, May 16, 2009

i wake up in the morning & smell the roses

you dont know how happy this made me [: i dont think ill ever forget the day i had to run a mile and shoot free throws (blindfolded?!) for prom. buahah. im so excited for prom this year! & the next few weeks are gonna be crazy!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

the climb

the only version of this song i will listen to.

i can almost see it, that dream i am dreaming. but there's a voice inside my head saying, "you'll never reach it." every step i'm taking, every move i make, feels lost with no direction.. my faith is shaking. but i gotta keep trying, gotta keep my head held high. there's always gonna be another mountain, i'm always gonna wanna make it move. always gonna be a uphill battle, sometimes i'm gonna have to lose. ain't about how fast i get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other's the climb. the struggles i'm facing, the chances i'm taking, sometimes might knock me down..but no, i'm not breaking. i may not know it, but these are the moments that i'm gonna remember most. just gotta keep going.. and i, i got to be strong, just keep pushing on.

have you ever felt afraid of losing everything you've worked for? im just deeply afraid.. i dream of things at night that seem beyond the grasp of reality. it's kind of really.. scary. i wish i did have some sort of control over it, but this is one dream that is beyond my control. it's something that even if i dedicate my entire life to, my success is still not guaranteed. there is a high risk of disappointment, but im taking the risk. life is a gamble, and if im going to gamble, i might as well go all in.


a decline viewed in disappointing contrast with a previous rise.

the rise: having a good day and a cluster & enrichment full of fun!
the disappointment: _____________________ .

time is running out fast.. and i have a feeling after high school, you wont want to be with me everyday like you do. well.. like you used to.. and yes, im feeling hella insecure because youre not giving me any reason to feel secure at all. and i hate that im trying and hoping to spend every moment that i can with you... but you dont want to. so what can i do? nothing.. except feel sad. and deeply afraid.

i would tell this to your face
but you would just look at me like im stupid again.
and my feelings would be wrong. again.
and its like you dont want to hear me anyway.
so whats the point..

i can keep trying to control myself
but it doesnt mean it hurts any less..

i love you. i just wanna be with you.
everything i do.. i do it for you

Sunday, May 3, 2009

ultimate dream.

it is my ultimate dream to be in a production number like this one day. awesome :]