Saturday, January 31, 2009

low voter turnout.

it's like trying to force people to want to vote. you cant force people who dont want to vote, to vote. so then how do you go about solving that problem? you just dont? ive been refusing the "you just dont" answer for a long long time.. but that gets really really tiring when the other party is not being very cooperative. when people just dont want to, then who am i to make them want to? you know, it's no wonder citizens of this country believe their vote doesnt count for anything. i totally understand, regardless of the fact that im not even old enough to vote yet; or a citizen of this country for that matter. it's like, my vote doesnt matter.

you must think im very ridiculous for relating ap gov to my life, but hell it all works out (or doesnt..). you know i keep thinking that i want to just put up the white flag. i have no energy left.. no strength left.. to try to get what i want. oh white flag of surrender, why is it so hard to fly your color in my skies? why do i keep trying to show and tell someone how much i need them, when they dont need me as much as i need them... why do i keep trying to show and tell someone how much they mean to me, when i obviously dont mean as much to them.. why do i keep trying to put somebody first, when im just an option in their life? why do i try to make myself be the one, when im just one of many people in their world? how do i let go of something i cant live without? even though they would be fine without me... why do i keep holding on? it's all those wonderful little things that keep me addicted to something. it's all those wonderful little things that i keep telling myself outweighs all the pain. it's all those wonderful little things that remind me of why i wanted things to start in the first place.

oh white flag of surrender, why is it so hard to fly your color in my skies? it's because i want to see the blue in the sky. i dont want to see a canopy of white, shading the warmth of the sun.. the sun that keeps burning me to dust. the sun that then keeps giving me new life, like a seed of a plant being reborn. the sun that destroys me and makes me feel alive all at one time. and just as any one person is significantly smaller in size and importance to the sun, i feel exactly that. it's funny how much you stay true to your name.. el sol, youre truly the sun in my life. i just wish i could be something as significant to you.

Friday, January 9, 2009


i never thought id experience the day i go to a park and feel lonely. usually its perfectly serene when i go by myself..

there's nothing to feel but the cool breeze as i lay on the damp grass, under a tree. there's no one at all. except for that crow, sitting there on top of the broken lamp post, cawing his mocking laughter at my solitude. i cant find the strength to laugh with him. i feel sad but i cant bring myself to cry. nature deserves more than someone's pathetic tears. the faint song of the birds in the sky are better company than silence. and yet, being as human as i am, i crave for attention, for a connection with someone i can share secrets with..someone i can be myself with. i search for that deep connection i cant seem to find with people anymore in the swaying leaves of the trees and in the whispers of the wind. the empty swingsets sway with the breeze and my imagination creates a presence, waiting for my secrets to be told, whispering and ruffling my hair... i wish i had a ball, to put through tht still nets..some way of knowing i can get through the hoops in my life.. i wish i had a rake, to clear away all the fallen leaves, to make room for something new to grow.. walking to the plastic playgrounds, i slip on the woodchips and try to break my fall. the wood splinters into my palms, threatening my life lines. i sit and pick out the little pains and again i feel like crying.. like a child who slides and falls into the sea of woodchips and cries helplessly. but there's no one to come running to me, to pick me up and say "it's okay, try the slide again." theres just the sound of the fading cawing laughter as the crow leaves its post, joining the rest of the wings in the sky. when they disappear i realize... that even the cawing mockery was better company than this emptiness the crow left me to feel.. all of a sudden, the sun pierced through the canopy of leaves above me and i could feel its hot breath on my neck. as if its rays drugged me through my skin, my eyes began to droop and feel heavy. this must be God's way of numbing the loneliness and curing my need for something to pass the time. and so with that i fell into a painless slumber, just letting the sun's heat soak into my being, and completely forgetting about the world.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

how could you be so heartless?

how could you be so cold
as the winter wind when it breeze yo
just remember that you, talkin to me though
you need to watch the way, you talkin to me yo
i mean, after all the things that we been through
i mean, after all the things we got into
hey yo, i know of some things that you aint told me
hey yo, i did some things, but thas the old me
and now you wanna get me back and you gon' show me
so you walk around like you dont know me
you got a new friend, well i got homies
but in the end, it's still lonely...

kanye west.

Sunday, January 4, 2009


why is there always a calm before the storm? why do things have to be pleasant before they become destructible? why does life have to be a tease? why cant we get the things we want? why is happiness so hard to find? why do i look for people who are never there? why cant i be good at something? why do i have to hide my pain with a smile? why do we play with fire, when we know we'll get burned? why would we rather go through hell than sleep alone at night? why cant you want me like i want you? why do i feel alone in a crowded room? why cant we be friends? why heal the pain, if it'll leave a scar? why cant you leave me alone? why do things always go wrong at one time? why do i practice being strong when i keep getting shattered? why do you have to do what you know hurts me? why cant you understand? why do i settle for less when i know i deserve more? why cant we just live in peace? why cant you just make me feel better? why wont you stop yelling at me? why cant i appreciate her more, when she's the only one who makes an effort? why cant i be somebody she deserves? why do you keep hurting me that way? why cant i just forget everyone who makes me cry? why cant i just dance forever? why do i have to cry? why do i have to feel? why do i live?

Thursday, January 1, 2009

bring on the new year.

there's something i started to try to work on during the last months of 2008: self control. i dont think i succeeded. in regards to emotions, i must have mistaken self control and my clandestine behavior of suppression. there was no control..just a thick barrier preventing the escape, temporarily.. until i exploded (several times, at that). i believe i shall make it one of my resolutions for this year, this self control. it's going to be very difficult for me. i would go into detail, but i would need my diary for that. however, for some unknown reason, today i feel ready for 2009. perhaps tomorrow i will feel different. or the next day. or next week. but i am taking this opportunity to blog with this positivity in the air; for knowing me, it will soon phase out. this is gonna be a big year. the year i graduate from high school. my debut. the year i become a legal adult. my cousin graduates college this year as well. my other cousin also will promote from jr high. it's gonna be quite a year, with my senior days now numbered. and i am ready. i think.