expectations.

harmonykay:

Be careful in being too caught up in what you think you ‘deserve’ in a significant other because you could be staring at each other the entire time, thinking that they’re not enough for you… when really, it could turn out to be the person of your dreams or someone you can grow to deeply love.
Expectations are important, but when you do find that someone, you’ll find that he or she will fall short of some, then many more of your little expectations. The key to making it last is letting yourself go and trusting that he or she alone, for WHO THEY ARE, is always more than enough. It’s a humbling experience, because you can’t live up to all of their expectations either.
I’m not saying to just settle with whoever comes into your life next; trust, I think many men and women in this world should fall in love with someone who is good to them, who share a connection, and develop a deep care for each other… for me, it’s someone who loves God just as much as I do. But just keep your eyes, mind, and heart open and be ready for your little ‘requirements’ to be broken down quick.
In the time that we try and imagine up the ‘perfect guy’ or the ‘ideal’ relationship or get caught up in the daze that someone is ‘out there, just waiting for me’… we could be missing out on something great.
I’m thankful I didn’t.

----> Ditto for me. You were spot on, Harmony. It’s funny because I was just having this conversation with someone last night. And the day before yesterday I just watched The Ugly Truth. The thing is, no one is ever going to find their “walking checklist.” It’s only natural to prefer certain qualities over others, but using a “carefully calculated set of venal choices” [as they said in The Ugly Truth haha] when choosing a partner is really just absurd. Because no one is perfect enough to live up to everyone’s expectations. The greatest thing about love is learning how to accept people as they are, flaws and all. It’s learning about YOURSELF, and realizing that those things on your checklist really aren’t all that important. Because you are completely capable of being happy without them being checked off [: That’s the beauty of love.

engaged.

Today my cousin had her engagement party. She plans to get married sometime in May of 2011; kinda far off, but still the whole family is excited and happy! I'M excited! I get to be a bridesmaid :D! hahahah. It's been tough for them lately because Alvin is living in Connecticut to work for ESPN. But good news is that he just got promoted! So he might be moving back to LA real soon [: Alvin and my Ate Jenmay are so perfect for each other. And you can tell they're so happy together. While we were cleaning up the venue after the engagement party, he grabbed her and started slow dancing to the song that was playing! The fams went AWWW! It was so cute! But anyway, all this wedding talk makes me wanna have a wedding! Hahaha! I just had a debut, so no! I'll stick to watching wedding movies for now [:

memory

We are meant to experience certain things in life so that we can learn from them. But sometimes, do you ever wish you could just completely forget something? Completely erase it from your memory's existence? I do.

“What’s worse than wanting something you can’t have? It’s not knowing what you want. Wishing on all the stars in the sky for the answers to your questions, for something to believe in, someone to hold. Having absolutely no control over yourself, being caught up in a place you wish you were miles away from. Being stuck somewhere between the past and the future, nowhere near where you should be - in the present. Stuck in yesterdays and tomorrows, so far from home, far from everything you know and love. The uncertainty could just about tear you to bits.”

something good this time.

poor blog. hearing about all the crap in my life. it's quite jealous of my tumblr. hahahhahaaha. well, here's something good this time, old friend [:

I love spending Christmas at my cousin's house every year. And even though we had an aunt who tried to get attention by ridiculously being a party pooper killjoy [as usual], it didn't get to the rest of us! Mr. Connecticut was a pleasure to be around; we miss him dearly. Derek seems to be adjusting better; he doesn't isolate himself as much anymore. I guess it helps that we're all trying to reconnect with him. Ever since his parents' divorce it's been difficult to reach out to him. I knew he just needed time though [: Christmas Eve was a blast! All the girls in the family walking around the house showing off our Cutesygirl boots :D The night was perfect in so many ways, and not perfect in one. But let's not focus on the bad stuff. It's Christmas! [:
So I pretty much got everything I wanted this year. And I MIGHT have a new phone tomorrow :O! I might as well splurge.. I think I deserve it. Then again, this just might be my crave for retail therapy for my "stress." Hahaha.. we shall see! The only [other] thing I really want right now is a new black purse. Hmmm.
CHRISTMAS 2009

not pictured: starbucks gift card, chevron gas card, some extra cash, nice black jacket from gerard, cute pj shorts from gabs, black laptop bag I asked my mom to buy when we were at target then asked her to wrap [hahahah], and a greenish-blue v-neck long sleeve from chadell. oh, and the blanket & green sweats I got from katrina, and another blanket I got from my pimp rich. i think i got it all. thanks to everyone (:

much love on Christmas day, rona ♥

stressed about scrambled eggs.

I'm jealous of the people who don't seem to have much to worry about. Either they really have nothing to worry about, or they're good at hiding it. Either way, I'm jealous of those people.
Sometimes it makes me angry when other people can just ask for money and get it. I have to worry about gas money and paying for my books.. and my parents yelling at each other AND me about financial problems. This is why I try to stay away from home as much as possible. I work not only for the money, but for the escape. However, working a lot doesn't leave much time to go out and have some fun. I feel tired. Not the kind of tired people get from going out too much. The kind of tired that grown-ups feel when they're stressed out and worried about living. I feel like I'm growing up too fast. I really don't have much of a choice right now though. I've got a burden on my back that I can't avoid. My parents are getting old and pissy.. and it drives me insane. As bad as that sounds, it's the truth. I feel pressured to do everything right. I want to make mistakes. I want to learn. I want to experience life. But I can't. A year ago, I would normally be b*tching about not having independence. My wishes were granted, and then some. There's a price for everything, I guess. If anything I should have been more specific with my wish. I should've wished for college-girl independence, not middle-aged-stressed-out-adult independence. It's like my life flash forwarded. Well, I want to be married and with a child before 30. Maybe my kids won't have to deal with "old and pissy" at a young age.
I have a friend who confessed a good deal of 'new stuff' about their life. A lot of things I can't really relate to. To be honest, it kept me up all night. They told me because they needed to tell someone who wouldn't judge them. But how do I tell them how I really feel? That I feel like I don't know them anymore.. That I'm worried now about things that COULD happen to them if they're not careful. I don't really know what's stopping me. ARGH. I should tell them. If not, I'll be like Person #1 that I wrote a letter to in my previous post: a person who doesn't tell her "friend" the truth of how she feels. And I wouldn't want to be a hypocrite, now would I?
People say it's hard to stand up for what you believe in, but in reality, it's easy. The hard part is ACTING on what you believe in. Anybody can just stand there and say what they believe. But having your actions match your true beliefs? A trait, rare amongst human nature. Being morally 'good' is lonely sometimes and that drives temptation up the walls. But I've got to be strong. I can't be like everybody else. As long as I know what I'm doing is right, I'll be okay. Hopefully.

Dear friend.

I'm not quite sure if you still read my ridiculous blog. And I'm not quite sure you still care enough to. I know I'm not perfect. I know that I don't deserve this. In high school, you always told me things were okay. You never disagreed with anything I'd say while I ranted or asked for your advice. You never told me whenever you thought I was wrong. You just let me live in oblivion. Either that or you fed my neediness. Nodded your head and echoed me, saying he was a selfish jerk. Tell me something, does a good friend comfort and protect from pain? In other words, does a good friend say euphonic phrases and hide truth from it's victim? I don't get it. What did HE do to deserve truth? Or better yet, what did I do, NOT to deserve it? Was it the period of time we mutually ignored each other? In those months did he somehow manage to pull ahead in this race for your honesty? I'm begging you to correct me if I'm wrong, but I was never a bad friend. I was there for you when you needed it, and I indulged in all your joys. Sure, I'm not the greatest friend ever to exist, but who is? I did everything I could. Think you could say the same? What did I do to deserve your excessive over-protection or kindness? There's no real substance between us. Not anymore, at least. You've filled the space between us with faux feelings. WHY? Oh, and don't say I'm caught up in the past because this is still the present condition: you're still fake with me. I'm not sure if that's even any better than the nonexistent relationship I have with a girl I once knew. At least she isn't teasing me. We can either turn this gray area black and white, or continue to deny there's a problem and avoid confrontation. Last time I checked, it's your turn to make a call. Oh wait, what turns? ..That's right! I'M the only one between the two of us that has made ANY calls. So, what are you gonna do?

talk

i need someone to talk to.
not because i have a problem. but because i need good conversation.
good, honest conversation.
i need someone to talk to.
someone who won't lie. someone who'll be honest.
not saying something is the same as lying, in my book.
honest people are so hard to find.
and friends are hard to come by.

i may have been watching too much House.

perfidy.

funny how the pokemon episode i'm watching right now taught me a new word:
perfidy - betrayal of a trust
i wonder what it takes just to get some honesty in this world..

i'm surrounded by perfidious people. arghh.

moral dilemma.

talk about moral dilemmas..ja;dfalsdfj;ikk;f.
have you ever had a fight with temptation?
i wish i could be in multiple places at one time. that'd be nice.
last night was a lonely night :(
must stop shopping..
i have a strong desire to dress up. any takers?
missing having a camera -___-;
not to brag, but i like when costumers ask me where i bought my shoes, jacket, etc etc (:
i've been watching episodes of the first pokemon season. throwback!
House keeps me company at night. "Misery loves company."

wish you were here.

i'm okay - tiffany evans

"I'm okay. I dont need you to define me. I'm not the girl that I used to be. Look what you did to me, look what you did. I'm okay. Nothing that you did could break me. I can be strong still on my own two feet. Look what you did to me, look what you did. Your words can't keep me down. I'll rise up off the ground."

Some memories are meant to stay memories, and nothing more than a figment of the past that fades as fast as people leave. Some of the best times of our lives are just meant to be the prologue to the chapters that actually spell out our lives. I've got years ahead of me, and why should I let someone so small bring me down, especially now that I've finally begun to find happiness in life. I wish I could stop hurting, because I don't want anything to do with it anymore.

retail!

Things I HATE about working retail:
1. hella long holiday hours.. we close at 10pm on a Sunday.. a freakin Sunday!
2. people who leave clothes all over the freakin floor in their dressing room.. at least hang it back on the hanger if you're not gonna bring it out!
3. when people don't greet you back. ever since i started working retail, never again will i ever ignore a salesperson who says "hello, how are you?" when i walk into a store.
4. mothers who bring like twenty little kids and can't keep an eye on them..ARGH! [okay, maybe not twenty, but you get the idea!]
5. people who leave a shoe they tried on just on the floor, or on the couch. okay, OBVIOUSLY it doesn't belong there.. at least put it on the shelf if you're not gonna put it back right where it came from!
6. when the owners of the store come in to check on the store at a hella random time!! :O one of those "crap, im gonna get fired!" moments..
7. when people drop a shirt or skirt or something on the floor, or it falls off a hanger cuz they touched it, and they just leave it there..even when IM STANDING THERE EYEING THEM.
8. only a 30-minute break for any shift thats 5 hours or more.
9. people who make me pull out twenty pairs of shoes and end up buying NONE of them.
10. when managers are sitting on their ass most of the time, just telling the rest of us what to do. if i'm ever a manager of anything, I'll make sure to manage more than just the employees. catch my drift?

Things I LOVE about working retail:
1. it's fun talking to nice/interesting people who come in
2. picking out outfits to change the mannequins
3. seeing the store all clean and organized
4. fun co-workers [:
5. when people BUY a lot of things
6. when people ask for your opinion about an outfit, or if you have any recommendations for an engagement party, lets say. it's like playing dress-up all day!
7. crazy customers make for good stories.. hahaha.
8. EMPLOYEE DISCOUNTS!!! HAHA!
9. nice/chill managers who let me give my employee discounts to like my aunts and cousins
10.the look on a girl's face when she finds THE perfect pair of shoes! ♥

parasites.

i have a feeling everyone who needed to read this have read it already. and for those of you who didnt need to, sorry for the intensity.

winter 09-10

I have a month off for Winter Break, so let's make plans, yes?!

12 pasko party
15 cutesygirl ugly xmas sweater party
16 psyc final / math final
17 thea final
18 poli sci final / snow trip?
19 winter break starts!
20 dereks bday
25 Christmas Day
27 engagement party
1 new years
25 spring semester
31 VIBE 15!

GLEE!!

The GLEE Finale was so amazing!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE this show! Watching it every week makes me nostalgic. I really miss show choir, and I wish I could perform like that again. My brother said he's getting me the albums for Christmas yay! And I WANT THE SEASON 1 DVD [: hahahah. Mercedes is SO good!! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqEuN9OOZs8] and Dont Rain On My Parade was really good too! [http://utterbliss.tumblr.com/#277750725] OH and I pretty much SCREAMED like a little girl at the end of episode!! A;LDKJSA;DLKFJ; I can't wait 'til Spring!!

"And I am telling you, I'm not going. You're the best man I've ever known. There's no way I can ever go. No, no, there's no way. No, no, no, no way I'm living without you."

"Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter. Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter. Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade. Don't tell me not to fly I've simply got to."

epic fail.

Today, I pulled an epic fail. When the school emailed me about my registration date forever ago, I read it as Dec. 8, 2009 11am. At 11:00AM today, I attempted to register but it said I was invalid. I started freaking out. I looked for the email to double check, and it said: Dec. 8, 2009 1pm. FAIL! Well anyway, for the most part I'm satisfied with my schedule. I only have classes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday next semester! Perfect! I'm not really sure why I'm blogging right now. I guess I just feel lonely. Lately I have been, and I don't know why. It's odd.

retreat & christmasfest

I'm not exactly allowed to talk about retreat to anyone outside of Modern, so all I'm gonna say is that it was the most memorable experience of my life! And I've never been blindfolded for so long, wow. It was hella fun and I feel like i belong more on the team. PAC Modern has changed me ♥ So we got back to Rod's house from retreat at about 3am and when we got there we watched UP. I got about three hours of sleep that night.. haha 'cuz the next day was Christmasfest. Christmasfest was cool because I got to see all the PAC Campers perform. Let me tell you though, it was HELLA FREEZING that night! I wish I was able to buy a RadIsRad Passion shirt though =/ This week and next week I have to study for finals and work on projects and stuff. It's kinda stressful, but not as stressful than I ever was at Oxford. Next semester I might be though, with competition season coming up, PCN, and more classes [tougher too]. Right now I'm waiting til 11am so I can register for my classes. God, I'm praying that the classes I want don't get filled up :(

I don't get it. I was never a bad friend.. I never hurt anyone. I was always the one to take the first step too whenever something went wrong.. I was always the one who sacrificed. I was always the one who gave in first. It never mattered that I was the one who was hurting.. It never mattered that I was in pain and no one tried to consider my feelings.. I was still there. The days I wanted to yell "now you know how it feels" I held back and decided to be comforting instead. So what exactly did I do in life to deserve this? It never mattered that I knew them longer.. or first. They never liked me better. I was easily replaced by someone I could never even be mad at.. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR.

Friends come and go. I don't know why I ever thought you would be any different..

behind!

I can't seem to keep up with myself :( As in, keep this blog updated with my life hahah. I'm so busy all the time, it's insane. And I think it's only bound to get worse (or better?), errr busier!

Just some quick updates:
- I'm done with all my Christmas shopping! SUHHHWEEET!
- PAC Camp is this week! Jeff and I are teaching the closer that we both choreographed (:
- Thanksgiving holiday weekend was a blast! Friday I worked 5am-1pm and it was hella busy for once! Quite refreshing, and exciting hahaha. AND We made goal for the holiday weekend! Which means: each of us [employees] get $100! I think Corporate is gonna be cheap though and give us $100 gift cards to our own store..hahaha. Oh well, better than nothing!
- Saturday I went to Disneyland with Shane! And it was amazinggg! check out my tumblr: www.utterbliss.tumblr.com
- Sunday was somewhat normal. church at 11:30, work 1:30-9pm. It was fun trying to push people to buy stuff [so we could make goal haha].
- Today [monday] I slept in :( missed political science again.. i really need to stop doing that. Next semester, I hope I can get my schedule to be so that my earliest class is like 10am. Ugh. But I shall study for math to make up for missing class today. Test tonight :(
- So I already mentioned that PAC camp is this week, which means that this upcoming weekend is RETREAT and Christmasfest! I honestly don't even know what to say about retreat.. I guess I shall just see how it goes. I'm excited for Christmasfest!

So that's a quick update. I don't think I missed anything huge. If I remember anything, I'll just post again. Anyway, I'll try to keep up better haha. Until next time ♥

ugh.

i'm so THROUGH with flaky friends.
just leave me alone.

It all happened so fast. I didn't stop to think first. I don't know why. I don't have a really good reason for doing what I did..and that's what makes it all worse. I let down somebody really important. I lost myself for just a second. And all because I didn't stop to think first. I've been so crazed about the whole "independence" thing, I don't recognize myself anymore. I've been too into the whole 'stay away from home as much as possible' thing, I don't know where I belong anymore. And to hear the perspective of somebody you care for about how you're acting..sometimes it' s hard for your own ears to hear it because it's difficult to believe. But we all need somebody to tell us when we're acting stupidly or indecent. Because sometimes it's hard to realize yourself, unless somebody tells you. Because sometimes you get too caught up in the moment..in the environment..so much that you lose yourself. My self-esteem is at an all-time low right now. I've never felt so bad about myself. I've never felt so worthless, looking at the person I care about most. It's too easy to lose everything you've ever believed in. Too easy to fall into something you never really thought you would. It's too easy to lose yourself. Too easy to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Too easy to lose everything in a small second, when you had everything you could ever want from life. I feel like crap. And I don't deserve to feel any better..

i want to die by nutella.

theater

This morning, I woke up really early. I didn't have to run across campus just to make it on time to my 8 o'clock class. I usually have to on Tuesdays and Thursdays, because attendance matters for my Theater class. I actually got there with 20 minutes to spare! What an accomplishment! So for about ten of those fifteen minutes, I sat by our water geyser thingamabobs hahaha. It was really relaxing, just hearing the sound of the water. It's nice to be able to sit for awhile sometimes, and just be. I feel like I'm usually always walking around doing something, or going somewhere. Sometimes it's nice to just sit and be. Not even think; just BE. Anyway, today's theater class was fun! We have this group project where you pick a song that tells a story, and your group has to act it out like a play. Our group did a funny number: Jizz In My Pants. [Somehow, I seem to always end up being involved with that song..hahaha I had flashbacks of Mr. Patriot with Vishal!] There were two other groups in my class that were my favorite numbers. The first group did Runaway Love by Mary J. Blige. And God knows how much I looooove that song! I had a phase of being obsessed with it for awhile before. But they did so good! It was deep and I even wanted to cry during some parts [if you don't know what I mean, watch the music video!]. Good stuff. The third group did Hotel California, and it was absolutely AMAZING. They acted out metaphors and it was so deep. It brought out the underlying meaning of the song. Like, when you first hear that song, you think of: California, beaches, girls, drinking, etc. But when you actually listen to the words or watch it being performed, you see the whole other side of it. It's actually a really dark song. It was cool. I wish we did more projects like this in Intro to Acting. We actually got to act today! Hahah. The class is more like a way of getting people to be more open and more comfortable with themselves. The only acting we've done is this project, and our personal monologues. Yeah, so that was my day in school. Now I'm not doing anything, so I figured it would be a good time to blog. Hahah. I want to buy hashbrowns, so off I go! Have a nice day [:

dear blog,

I'm sorry I've been so MIA. I feel like I haven't written anything worthwhile in such a long time. And that includes in my classes too. I don't do much writing in any of my classes this semester. Like Athena, Gaby, and I were saying last night: I don't want to lose my writing skills. I think I'm going to have to make myself blog at least a couple times a week again. Cuz I miss writing. I need to find a good book too; I haven't read for pleasure since the beginning of summer. Well, on another note, life has been quite a ride lately. I'm having a blast with Modern and everyone I've met through PAC are so nice and friendly. School doesn't really feel like school, considering the rigor I'm so used to from Oxford. But I like it. Next semester though, I'm planning on taking as many classes as I can hopefully handle and actually make myself work. I've given myself this first semester to adjust and transition into the college life, and now it's time to get back to business. I must keep myself from falling into any laziness and I must not forget why I go to school: to graduate. Well this is all I have time for now. I shall post again sometime soon. TTFN - ta ta for now!

♥ rona

I LOVE CSULB ♥

PAC definitely knows how to rep LB!!!
I already can't wait for [HELL NO] Friendship Games next year!!! YEEEE!

oh and performing with Modern was the bestest ever [:
check us out:

(:

www.utterbliss.tumblr.com ♥

addiction

happy.

I'm happy. I'm sick, but I'm happy. Damn flu season and cold weather.
The last time I ever felt this happy was probably when I was in 2nd grade (:

PS. This is awesome :D

thoughts.

People always tell you to find a career that fits your passions. That way, you would go to work every day happy. To be honest, I'm too afraid of pursuing my passions. It's not a stable path. Not that anything in life is stable, but still; in my opinion, the entertainment business is one of the most unstable. Who am I kidding. The real reason I don't want to pursue my passions is because I'm afraid of losing it. My fear of failure runs deep and I would much rather love a hobby for the rest of my life, than attempt to pursue my passion, fail, and forever lose my passions. This is a risk I am not willing to take.

I had my first clubbing experience last Thursday. I went to Club Social in Hollywood. It was sort of a last minute decision [it's a long boring story I'd rather not get into], so I didn't have anything to wear. I ended up having to buy a shirt from Guess. I wore boots to the club, and to be honest, I felt really self conscious about it the whole night. Haha. I would rather have been wearing nice heels and a dress. Nonetheless, it was a fun night. It wasn't as intense as I expected my first clubbing experience to be. I definitely want to go again hahha.

I really want to get out of the house. I want freedom. Money really does make the world go round. It sucks. But having money means having a life. I need another job because working weekends for Cutesygirl isn't going to be enough for gas, books, food money, and everything else. I'm stressed out about money at the moment. Managing money is the drawback of growing up. Ugh, so stressful.

I messed up my beautiful Subaru again. I hate myself.

gleeeeeeeeeee ♥

strange pt2. - chasing pavements

ill be hitting multiple birds with one stone here.
I can think of several occasions in the past in which I was the confrontational one. I can also think of many times when I was the one to run away from the problem. But when I think of those times, I'm reminded that after a long time (I recall that one time, it was after several months), I still end up being the confrontational one. I was always one to chase pavements. I was always the one to be the last to fight. But how do we know which pavements are worth chasing? Contrary to his belief that we decide whether something is worth it, by evaluating an 'end' result... I believe in determining the worth of doing something, not by an 'end' result, but by a conscious decision of the mind and heart, before it's even the 'end.' Because I believe in making things worth it along the way, not just letting things happen and waiting until the 'end' to decide if something was worth it. For example, I keep coming back because my mind & heart has made the conscious decision that it's worth it. And while he believes (correct me if I'm wrong; though I don't think I am since you've told me this countless times)that we will never really know if all this is worth it until the 'end' ... i disagree very strongly. With a mad passion, actually. But back to the original topic. I had lost my breath, panting and gasping for air from chasing pavements in past years. Yeah, now I have changed. Because this time, I wont be gasping for breath until I decide something is worth it. To be honest, I have no intentions on being the confrontational one this time around. And just to clear the air, I have no feelings of resentment, but rather, indifference. I don't know if feeling indifferent is worse or better than feeling resentful, but I do know that it's gonna take a lot more than this to shatter my revived happy self. I'm so gleeful these days it's almost disgusting hahaha. I feel like a junior high kid again. Speaking of Glee, it reminds me of show choir whenever I watch it, and it makes me miss SC. But PAC and PAC Modern are energizing me these days ♥. I realize I've become a stronger person. And I don't let things depress me, like how I did before. Lately it's more often the things that make me happy that linger in my mind rather than the things that are upsetting. I guess the danger now is neglecting my problems. Eventually, I'll find the perfect balance. Hahaha.

strange.

There's something really strange about running into somebody you haven't seen or talked to in a long time, and they barely acknowledge you. Especially when they used to be such a huge part of your life. In a way, it's painful to see them look past you, as if the past never existed. But in another way, it's not surprising, considering I never felt any more than a shallow connection between the two of us. That just goes to show that even though you've spent a lot of time with somebody, if you don't connect on a deeper level, how much time you've spent together doesn't matter in the end. One day, they're gonna look at you like you're just another person. And they're gonna continue to walk on by, with no remorse of leaving you with barely a Hello/Goodbye. Oh well. I never really liked you anyway. And I don't think you ever did either. It's strange that for some reason I was just really attached to you. I wish you well, though. And in case any single part of you wants to know, I've been doing great too! Life pretty much rocks at the moment. For the both of us I'm sure [:

missing out.

I keep feeling like I'm missing out on everything. I wish I didn't HAVE to work. I wish I could stay out as late as I want. I wish I didn't have to worry about paying for my own gas and other school shit. I wish I was dorming [very very badly]. I wish I could have a "real" college experience. Is it bad that I want to experience getting wasted for one night? Just one night. So I can wake up the next morning and say that I never want to do that again. Makes sense?

because people are stupid.

i realize i have been way too open about certain aspects of my life on this blog. and because people are stupid and just laugh about my problems, that's going to change. if all youre going to do is laugh about my problems, then fuck off. you have to realize it's difficult to think rationally when i'm emotionally upset. geezus.

btw, PAC Modern Audition Workshops are going fantastic! I'm getting really anxious now though. Thursday is the big day! Wish me luck ♥

PAC 1st Gen & Smorgasport!

Yesterday I had one class in the morning. Then Kassandra and I hung around campus just killing time because at one o'clock was the first general meeting of PAC! First gen was awesome! Their skits were pretty hilarious and all the coordinators [coords] were REAALLY nice! like, REALLY nice! And I got super lucky yesterday cuz the group I met and hung out with was so chill, we ended up hanging out with the coords of PAC and stuff, like all day! hahahah! I love the people from PAC. They're so welcoming! And like, we were just a group of freshman, but they accepted us as if we've all known each other for awhile already. You know what I mean? Like, my friends and I were just newbies, but we already feel like part of the PAC family :D I'm really excited to start doing stuff with PAC. And IF I make Modern, I don't even know if I'll have time for PAC Culture, but i really want to do it! PAC Culture is the division of PAC that does the traditional filipino folk dancing and stuff haha. It was refreshing to walk around campus and take in the diversity of CSULB that Oxford seriously lacked, but being around a whole mess of Filipinos all day yesterday was just HOME! HAHAHA! Anyway, I hung out with this group of other freshman filipinos I met at the pool party after First Gen, until Smorgasport. Smorgasport was an on campus event night that was kind of like a fair where they gave out free stuff and whatnot. It went from 8-12am last night. It was hella fun! The group I hung out with met up with some of the PAC people from earlier in the day, and we chilled with them for a large portion of the night. They are just so much fun to be with, and they're really nice people. Like, Kassandra and I had to walk back to our cars to go home, and these two sophomores from PAC walked us to our cars cuz it was like almost midnight and they didn't want anything to happen to us. My night at Smorgasport ended when Chadell, Ellen, Kassandra, Avik, Jimmy, and I went bowling in the Student Union which was pretty fun cuz us girls didn't want to get bowling shoes (we didn't have socks).. so we were like trying to bowl without the employees catching us. But yeah, I was on campus yesterday from 8:30 in the morning until midnightish.. and it was freakin awesome!!! I ♥ ed meeting all those new people yesterday and hanging out with our group of freshies. The reason I'm really going out there to make friends is because i feel like i'm missing such a huge part of college since i'm not dorming =/ Like, it's harder for commuters to make friends {unless you really go out there} because you can't really make friends in your classes. Some of my classes are really big and others you just can't really talk much. So, I'm glad for yesterday [: One problem, PAC general meetings are thursdays at 4pm, but i work tue&thu nights at 5.. alskjf;alskdjf;alskd; i have yet to figure this out. argh! Well anyway, I think I'm gonna go work on my psyc paper. Expect more updates soon [:

and finally, he calls, crying to me about what he feels he has lost. about what he feels has changed. there's a lot of things i need to say. but i cant find the right words to leave my lips. so i guess i'll do what i do best.. and just write what is in my heart.

Let Go

Lately it’s been easier for me to say to myself, “Just let it go, Rona.” I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing. Good thing for the present, but it may be bad for the long run.. We’ll see I guess. For now, i’m loving the life I live, and it’s not even what I wanted if you asked me two weeks ago. I'm getting to know people more, and I'm super uber duper excited to finally start getting involved with Pilipino-American Coalition [will be referred to as PAC in the future] and ASI [like ASB]. First PAC general meeting is Friday [: Today Kassandra and I were walking around looking at the different organizations' booths, and this Filipino guy comes up to us and asks if we've been to the PAC booth. Both of us freaked cuz that's actually what we were hunting for hahah. But I'm really excited for it. Everyone by the booth was fun and they seemed really nice! There's a party this weekend or something, too, and I may go! Hopefully I'm not working.. Hmmm, one thing though, I'm hella nervous for PAC Modern auditions next week O_o But all in all, I can still say my college-hype has not faded yet, and it is only going to get better [: Finally moving on and becoming independent. You may say I'm growing up too fast, but I cant sit around and wait for you to grow up. Just being honest. Oh, and btw, you really don't know what you're missing.

Sorry if my posts are sounding redundant. Hahaha. And just for the record, today was another day well spent at school. and OMGPOP really rocks as a time killer!

bittersweet?

FIVE DAY WEEKEND! HELLYEAAAH! And then the intellectual and practical side of me kicks in and says... The government is ripping me off!! I'm paying for a ridiculously increased tuition, and the government is forcing the school to close on certain days [called furlough days]? What is this madness?! Sometimes, I'm really pissed off about this. And other times, I rejoice in being able to say that I have a FIVE DAY weekend! Oh, and for those of you who are missing the connection here, my class today was canceled 'cuz of these furlough days and next Tuesday, is a campus-wide furlough day. Monday being Labor Day. Fuck the government for jipping me of my education! ....but five day weekend, here I come :D Oh, and by the way, I still absolutely love college and I feel as if it's only going to get better [: Next week is week of welcome, and I am so excited to finally be able to join all the organizations I want to. I want to be busy. Being busy makes me feel like I'm doing something with my life. Lately, I've been keeping my thoughts busy.. and let me tell you, it's been working wonderfully! Because last night took me by surprise in more ways than one. [here is where I transition into my postscript.. although PSs aren't really supposed to have transitions, are they? haha too bad!]

{PostScript} Have you ever sincerely cried tears of joy? Think about it; explore the depths of your memory... Was there ever a time you were so pleasantly surprised about something, it induced tears? Last night, for the first time in my life, I cried tears of joy. I guess I've been so busy with 'starting anew' and distracting myself that I kept my thoughts busy, a little too well. Because to be honest, I almost forgot about you. And when I looked at my phone last night, I cried tears of joy. Not to put a downer on my own story, but I hope you mean what you say. Lately I have been skeptical about your words, for often times in the past they were lacking support from your actions. But I really hope this small change I saw continues. Because if not, I think it might be too easy for me to push you to the back of my mind. And don't confuse a warning with a threat.

CSULB!

Another day spent well at school (: Athena, Kyle, and I ran into Kevin and his friend Bright, at the library on campus. So we just chilled and talked for hours and stuff. It was fun (: Then in my math class, this guy asked, "What's that fishy thing?" .... I thought I was gonna die. THE FRIGGIN INFINITY SIGN! I don't know what I'm doing in that class.. Oh that's right. It's 'cuz I'm too bad at math to pass Calc AB, and definitely not BC. Hahha. Oh well. I have a dilemma. I don't know if I should audition for PAC Modern like I want to :[ I have class during the audition week.. then again, it's just math... The auditions are in two weeks, so we should still be doing easy stuff.. but that's not the only problem. I don't even know if I have time in my schedule to be on a collegiate dance team :[ With work and school.. AAAARGGGH! I don't know what to do!!

CHANGE.

All I really needed what a new environment I think. New faces, new places. I notice I get really dramatic when I'm unhappy. I also notice that when I AM happy, see myself as a completely different person.. COMPLETELY different. It's really quite strange..

But anyway, I'm back on here sooner than I expected to be. And that is such a good thing. I'm healing a lot faster than I expected to be. I'm dealing with this change, easier than I expected I would. Yesterday was PERFECT. I ♥ college. I enjoyed walking around a busy campus, not knowing every single face that passed me by. Although, I must admit, the thing I missed about Oxford was always having someone around to talk to. But it's okay, I'll get used to it, I think. And eventually I'll make new friends too. I absolutely love the fact that there are two Starbucks within vision distance of each other. I love that I can sit down anywhere on campus, in a shady spot and just relax. Yesterday I was different. And I speak as a person who watches from the outside, because I always do that. Honestly, sometimes I really feel like I have multiple people in my body. Not in a schizophrenic or bipolar-ic (?) way, I don't think. Though, I know in the past I used to think I was..haha. Anyway, sorry, I'm getting so off-topic. As I was saying; yesterday I was different. It was easy for me to just introduce myself to the person sitting next to me. I don't know. I've never been able to do that before, really. There's just something about being in a new place that gave me that self-confidence that wasn't in me before. I felt.. amazing. And I really hope that this hype I have going for college isn't just going to die out by next week. Haha. The only negatives of yesterday are as follows. I realized I'm probably going to end up spending A LOT of money buying food & Starbucks on campus. I wish I had a macbook, or a smaller laptop I can carry around :( I also realized that I'm going to lose a lot of water bottles every day..I keep forgetting about them when I place them down somewhere. Another thing I realized is what Athena said about being really out of shape.. I mean, I was freakin' out of breath walking up five flights of stairs. Ridiculous me. Yesterday was perfect, and today was short [that's another story]. BUT, I can already tell I'm going to love my intro to acting class! My teacher is awesome! Hilarious and active. And people in my class aren't that shy either. Oh and my professor said we go as a class to watch shows and stuff. I AM EXCITED. College pretty much rocks so far, even though it's only been two days. I hope this lasts. I really do. 'Cuz my mind, body, heart, and soul need it!

P.S. By the way. The Summer Intensive 6 Showcase last weekend was the most amazing experience ever. Here's the video of my group, Seniors Advanced 2b. I'm the one in the black boots [: Being in every piece was definitely tiring, but definitely worth it! I'm glad I decided to audition for each piece.. 'cuz for one of the pieces I wasn't going to audition for, I ended up being in Top Ten :O! Teehee. Although the night didn't end as well as I hoped, I will never forget performing this set. And that day, I made a lot of friends too [: It helps when I have a car and I'm able to offer to drive people down the street to get some food.. hahahah. Hey, whatever works right? [;

I stand up, to be above the rest of the crowd, as the audience begins to fill up the quad area outside of the theater. Looking around desperately for you, as some of my friends pass by saying, “hey, good job!” I nod and say thanks, but I’m still looking around.. I see some fellow SI dancers running into the arms of their lovers, roses in hand. After a few minutes, I call you and you tell me you had to leave 'cuz you had to take her home. “Oh, okay. Thanks for coming..” I hang up the phone. A girl from my class walks by me, says good job and introduces me to her boyfriend. I smile and say, “Thanks, you too!” She walks off, hand in hand with her love. My mom comes over and says, “Where is he?” I reply, “He had to leave..” With a look of disapproval she says, “He LEFT?” I change the subject and say, “Mom, I’m gonna go hang out with some friends I met today, I’ll just meet you at home.” I walk back to the dressing rooms and chat with people for awhile, exchanging names so we could find each other on facebook. After everyone started leaving to go hangout, I started walking towards the parking lot. And as if some outside force wanted to mock me, I stumble over a single rose on the street, and I get a text from him at that moment. I respond with, 'you couldn't see me for one second?' After deleting his text and subtly crushing the rose beneath my feet, I walk towards my car, ready to go home and just get into bed.

Dear Reader,

Hopefully you'll never feel the way I do sometimes, but if by some chance, you feel alone and helpless, go here: www.xbeautifuldisaster.tumblr.com. It definitely will NOT make you feel the slightest bit better.. But at least know that you're not alone. 'Cuz I find that sometimes that's what I need.
I can't find the inspiration to write anymore. I'll be back when my life starts rolling in the direction I can live with. I'll be there for now. That way, you lovely followers of this blog, won't have to read all my crap when you don't want to. I'm so sorry that I havent posted anything worth reading in a very long time. I lost my inspiration.

Love Always,
Rona

Is it really wanting more when I just want what was there before?

cant wait.

i can't wait for next week. maybe once school starts, you'll stop poisoning my mind. i need a new life.

you're gonna regret this.

ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.

THE TROUBLE WITH BEING AN ANGEL CHILD ALL YOUR FCKING LIFE IS THAT ONCE YOU DO SOMETHING THE SLIGHTEST BIT DIFFERENT, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE A DEVIL CHILD. THE TROUBLE WITH FOLLOWING EVERY WORD YOUR PARENTS EVER SAID IS THAT ONCE YOU START WANTING TO DO THINGS YOUR OWN WAY, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. THE TROUBLE WITH BEING RESPECTFUL AND OBEDIENT YOUR WHOLE FCKING LIFE IS THAT ONCE YOU MAKE THE SLIGHTEST SLIP, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE A CHEAP WHORE THAT DOESN'T THINK. ALL OF A SUDDEN EIGHTEEN FCKING YEARS OF BEING THE PERFECT DAUGHTER DOESN'T EVEN MATTER BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE THINKING FOR YOURSELF. THE TROUBLE WITH ALWAYS LISTENING TO WHATEVER YOUR PARENTS WANTED,IS THAT ONCE YOU START DIPPING YOUR FINGERS IN FREEDOM AND INDEPENDENCE THEY'LL GRAB YOUR HANDS AND CUT OFF YOUR FINGERS. AS A CHILD, AS A TEENAGER, I HAD ALWAYS DEALT WITH GOING HOME EARLY AS A PARTY IS BARELY JUST GETTING STARTED.. AND MISSING OUT ON ALL SLEEPOVERS IN MY LIFE.. AND HAVING TO TELL MY FRIENDS "SORRY I CANT..MY PARENTS ARE KINDA..YOU KNOW.." FOR JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING.. IT'S NO WONDER, REALLY, WHY I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE LEFT OUT IN MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE. I WAS ALWAYS CHAINED TO MY HOME. BUT DID I EVER COMPLAIN? NO. DID I EVER OBJECT? NO. I LISTENED AND FOLLOWED LIKE A GOOD GIRL SHOULD..HOPING ONE DAY THE TIDES WOULD TURN AND THEY WOULD REALIZE HOW MUCH I STROVE TO BE A PERFECT CHILD. AND MAYBE THAT'S WHERE I WENT WRONG IN LIFE. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE JUST BEEN A REBELLIOUS CHILD TO BEGIN WITH. MAYBE IT WOULDN'T BE LIKE THIS. I HATE BEING THE OLDEST AND BEING A GIRL. FCKING RUINS MY LIFE. WHENEVER I MAKE THE SLIGHTEST MISTAKE, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. BUT MY BROTHER, OH NO. "GEE, HE TALKS BACK ALL THE TIME, SO I GUESS WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ANYMORE BUT KEEP LETTING HIM DO IT." BUT WHEN I SAY OR DO SOMETHING WRONG, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. AND THIS TIME, I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING WRONG. I JUST DID SOMETHING DIFFERENT. SHARP, PAINFUL WORDS COME FLYING AT ME. SURE, I CRY. BUT THIS TIME, IT'S NOT BECAUSE I FEEL SAD OR REMORSEFUL. NO. THIS TIME, IT'S FROM ANGER. IT TOOK ALL MY STRENGTH TO PREVENT MYSELF FROM YELLING BACK. I CALMLY TRY TO EXPRESS MYSELF AND I STILL GET PAINFUL WORDS THROWN AT ME. FUCK THIS. MY DAD FINALLY DROPPED THE LINE. THE "FOR AS LONG AS YOU'RE LIVING UNDER MY ROOF, YOU LIVE UNDER MY RULES. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, LEAVE THIS HOUSE" LINE. I DON'T KNOW WHEN THAT'LL BE POSSIBLE FOR ME..BUT AT LEAST I HAVE STRONG MOTIVATION TO EARN MONEY. I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.

two things.

Two things I really want right now.
thigh high boots. and a picnic. not together.. obviously. i think..? hahah.

never

She's one of my favorite writers. I feel I can relate to so much of her work.

they think.

They think I'm oblivious. They think it's okay to leave me in the dust. They think I don't know. Then they think it's okay to rub it in my face.

I feel so alone..

santa monica.

Shane and I went to Santa Monica Pier and Third Street Promenade today. It was fun! And thankfully, not overly crowded since it was Tuesday. Forever 21 on Third Street is THREE STORIES. OMG. I didn't even know where to begin. Then the dressingrooms were a disaster to deal with, so I decided to leave. Plus I felt bad cuz Shane was just sitting there waiting for me. I don't like the feeling of keeping someone waiting. Haha. After roaming up and down Third Street, we walked to the pier and we ate dinner. I finally satisfied my crave for calamari [: Good day. Except, on the way back home, we got lost in LA. I felt helpless as Shane was freaking out and yelling at the stupid GPS [and stupid LA wreckless drivers]. Hahaha. What an adventure.

lost in LA [:

Casting Results

8 out of 8. top ten 3 out of 8. extremely pleasantly surprised. so much that i fell out of my chair. literally. :D. Definitely a good day!

the little mermaid.

What would I give to live where you are? What would I pay to stay here beside you? What would I do to see you smiling at me? Where would we walk, where would we run? If we could stay all day in the sun..Just you and me. And I could be, part of your world.

In case you haven't noticed, this is part of where I got my inspiration for the song I wrote ♥

"if there was a way.."

(12:58:26 AM): if your gf is having a shitty day, fix it

(1:03:41 AM): i honestly don't see how anyone can treat you like crap
(1:04:15 AM): like i can be an asshole, **** can be a bitch
(1:04:23 AM): but i've never seen or heard anything bad about you really

(1:29:15 AM): its extremely demoralizing
(1:29:38 AM): knowing that your all isn't good enough.

ME (1:35:54 AM): he questions why i miss him even after we've hung out
(1:36:08 AM): because you love him, duh.
ME (1:36:23 AM): apparently thats not reason enough.. why cant he just be sweet and be like, "aww i miss you too."
(1:36:26 AM): honestly, if i was him, i'd be the happiest fucking guy in the world.
(1:37:31 AM): honest.
(1:38:59 AM): he's just not appreciating you rona
(1:39:16 AM): he's taking what he has for granted
ME (1:39:24 AM): must i have a reason to miss him?
(1:39:38 AM): no. you don't have to.
ME (1:39:41 AM): i dont get it.
(1:40:06 AM): i dont' either

(1:58:46 AM): yeah..sometimes i got unsure of who was going out with who

(2:11:26 AM): if there was a way to make someone care
(2:11:36 AM): i'd pay all my money for it
ME(2:11:46 AM): amen.

tonight.

tonight my best friend bought me dinner. then he bought me starbucks. then we sat by the community jacuzzi and talked about our dreams and fears, straining to find the stars in the night sky, due to the effects of living in the suburbs.

i used to dream of having these moments with the one i love. as much as i enjoyed my time tonight, it's different when you have these kinds of moments with your lover. where are you when i need you most? where are you when i have these kinds of moments?

"can you tell me how can one miss, what she's never had? how can she reminisce when there is no past?" -- keyshia cole

asdlfkj;lajdsfklj;alskdjf

things i hate. because im in an angry mood at the moment.
- when people flake out on you without telling you
- then, after flaking out on you, they act as if nothing ever happened
- waiting and waiting and waiting for someone that never ends up showing up
- when people try to avoid telling you something, and try to avoid lying to you at the same time, so they give some bogus, stupid answer about what theyre doing, or where they are.
- damn customers who leave the clothes they tried on, on the fcking floor of the dressing room. at least have the courtesy to put it back on the damn hangers.
- damn customers who steal. i hope you burn in hell.
- when people continue to do something they know pisses you off or makes you extremely uncomfortable.. behind your back.. and you find out about it cuz theyre so effing careless and inconsiderate.
- cats making babies in the middle of the damn night in my friggin backyard. just SHUT UP.
- being stuck at home. fml.
- when you care about someone more than they care about you. makes life just so freakin lonely.
- goddamn teenieboppers who think they're so damn cute, but really theyre just annoying as hell. stfu and back the hell off.
- wanting a summer to remember.. and not getting it.
i bet you my life, i'm not getting much sleep tonight.

Cory Aquino

My sophomore year in high school, in my english class, we did a project in which we wrote & performed a eulogy in front of the class. We were to chose a significant historical/political non-fictional character [dead or alive]. Being the proud Filipina that I am, I chose Cory Aquino, who was alive and well at the time. Now, about three years later, I watch the countless number of coverages of her on TFC [the filipino channel], it saddens me, for I know the impact she had on the Philippines in her time. RIP.

Noticed.

Wow. Tonight's class felt good. I think I did well. Thank goodness.. I thought to myself. "Hm..Let's have, you.. you.. you two.. and you!" the choreographer says. The three boys and two girls get up and stand in a formation. The music starts playing, and the rest of the class sits in front to watch these five selected dancers perform the dance we learned in the last two hours. After the five selected dancers finish, the choreographer says, "Let's give these five a hand!" Everybody applauds and cheers. The choreographer then goes around again. "You.. you.. you..." He glances at me, for exactly three mississippis, then moves on. "You and you!" For those three seconds, my heartbeat was gaining speed. And then it significantly dropped as he moved on to pick two other dancers. After the second set of five people did their thing, we all cheered and applauded them. The choreographer says, "Now, let's have EVERYBODY! One last time! Good job tonight, everyone! Great class!" Everybody gets up and finds a spot on the floor. I find a spot in the third row. The music plays and we all do the dance a final time. After the last move, everybody cheers again and heads off to gather their things. I walk to the back corner to pick up my purse and my water bottle. "Hey." Someone taps me on the shoulder. I spin around, surprised. A guy who sat and watched the entire class tonight asks me, "Do you dance on a team?" I reply, "Uh..well..I used to. Last year I did." He stares at me and says, "You're good." Awkward silence. I was about to say thanks but then he continues, "But if you want to get noticed, you have to dance in the front. You're good, but don't be shy." A little shocked, I realized I needed to respond. "Yeah.. thanks a lot." He gives a small nod and walks away.

Touch.

There's something about the touch of someone you love, that's so powerful beyond words.

when they take your hand in the presence of others, unashamed to be with you..
when they attack you with a hug as you walk through their door like they've missed you..
when they grab you to lead you somewhere as you giggle, 'where are you taking me?'..
when they pull you into your arms as you cry, to offer protection and security..
when they gently caress your skin, leaving your hairs on end..
when they softly touch your boo-boo and ask, 'does that feel better?'..
when they slowly run their fingers through your long hair..
when they playfully pull at your tiny ears..
when they pull you over to watch TV & youre just laying there, a perfect fit for each other
when they hold you for hours after a long winded fight..
when they longingly take your hands and say they're sorry..
when they embrace you goodbye, passionately, as if each hug were your last..

Humans were meant to touch one another. It's beautiful, and a lot less sexual than people make it all to be these days. By definition, "to feel" is either to have emotion, or to physically touch something. And I think they're directly related. Touch is the closest form of expression. Words can only do so much. Words form boundaries on the page. Emotions aren't meant to be trapped by boundaries. I can't finish any of those sentences and say "when THIS happens, then THIS is how i feel." The best part is, I don't have to.

What's in a Name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet." - Shakespeare. Speaking of names, everyone at work calls me 'row-nuh' instead of 'raw-nuh.' At first, it was kinda weird, but I never bothered to correct anyone. And it kinda grew on me. Because well.. my cousins actually call me that too. I don't really know why I always just had people from school call me 'raw-nuh,' when in fact, most strangers at first glance, read my name as 'row-nuh.' I've actually pondered this many times, and still have not come to any sort of productive conclusion. Only one thing is different now: I kinda like 'row-nuh.' Makes me feel like along with this new life I've been starting [post-high school], came a new name. A new me. A new attitude. A new set of goals. A new mindset. A new heart. A new mind. Here's to.. what people say is supposed to be the best years of my life: college.

Fast Forward.

People always say that time passes by too fast. And yet, sometimes, I wish life could just fast forward. Right now I wish life could fast forward to November, so I could already line up to watch New Moon. And sometimes, I wish life would fast forward to where I have a stable job, a house of my own, married and with children. To the point of my life where I feel secure and certain about everything. When I could go to bed every night and know that I have a good job to go to the next day. When I could go to bed every night and know that in the morning, the one that I love will be there right beside me, literally and figuratively. When I could go to bed every night and just feel safe and guaranteed. But right now, I go to bed every night full of questions and uncertainty. I don't know what I'm going to do in college yet. I don't know who's planning to stick around and who's planning not to.. I hate not knowing. I need a plan. But that's impossible, considering everyone around you has the same freedom of choice as you do. Today I went to CSULB and met up with some people I met at SOAR, and walking around campus I DID feel somewhat excited. Excited to be having my own time. Excited to be in a new place. Excited to meet new people. But at the same time, in the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think how I wish I was just over all of it already. I want to know what I'm going to be doing. I want to know who the people in my life are going to be. Or at least.. I need someone to reassure me that the future is a safe and happy place.. Well, today was fun [: It's just the future I'm anxious about. Not even that I'm worried about it.. just anxious.

Final Version.

boy i couldnt stop dreamin about ya
i kept on fantasizin about ya
and my heart kept beating around ya
faster and faster
like a bullet train speedin away
i woulda traveled to ya every day
nothing ever got in the way
of how i felt

when you held me, when you kissed me
it just felt oh so right
how i felt when you were on me
i thought i'd stay all night
thought that we'd forever be
winnin every lovers' fight
thought nothing would tear us apart
you were always in my heart

CHORUS
if someone else comes knockin at my door
sayin that he's willin to give me more
i cant promise to stay, oh
since youre tellin me you dont know
what our futures about
i need a confident heart
someone who has no doubt
about our love.
youre gonna regret not holding me
and making me part of your world

and even when we had bad days
somethin always brought me back to you
even the mistakes you made
erased with your smile
i loved your style
the way you walked it
and talked it
even made the tears worth the while

when your arms were round my body
it just felt oh so right
slow dancin front of your tv
i thought id stay all night
even though we, always seem
survivin every lovers fight
thought nothing would tear us apart
but now your breakin my heart

CHORUS

back then when i was completely yours
made me oh so weak, crawlin on all fours
the way you looked at me
with that sunny white smile
but after awhile
you distanced yourself
got me callin for help
got me cryin in my sleep
with a pain so deep
so where am i now?
could you tell me how?
im feelin alone, babe, right now

chorus 2x

A Lot.

There's a lot going on this summer. This summer, I feel overwhelmed by such a wide range of emotions.. wider than any range of emotions I've ever felt before [which I didn't think was possible, to be honest]. And since my best friend is too busy for me, this blog is really the only other thing I want to vent to. There's so much going on with me and my life. There's so much going on with my family, too. Last week, we all found out that my aunt (finally) filed a divorce with her husband. After fifteen years of physical and verbal abuse... after fifteen years of sacrificing happiness for the sake of her child.. that's why I say finally. As of now, she is in China for her work (and to hide from whatever possible danger is here for her at "home"). And yet, I feel sad. I should feel relieved. The problem is, I honestly don't know when I'm going to see her next.. and she is my second mother. The worst part is, my cousin hates his mother for leaving. My cousin is a wreck, and is heart broken and I can understand why my cousin is so angry, but I don't know what to do. I want to help my cousin understand why my aunt needs to do this.. there's actually not much time left in her life with her Huntington's Disease progressively getting worse by the day.. and having to deal with a husband like that would only drive her to her grave faster than any disease would. I'm so afraid of losing her, and it sucks that I can't see her right now.. and technically she's not supposed to have any sort of communication with us during this period of divorce-paper-processing. My mom says this case might even go to court. I would HATE to see the day my family has to experience the torn-family-in-the-courtroom scene that I would always watch on Filipino soap operas.. and the worse part is that it is more likely than not, to happen. I'm deeply concerned about my cousin too. I can't even imagine the kind of pain he is going through.. feeling like your mother just walked out of your life.. with no forewarning. Even though we've all been expecting this divorce to happen, none of us expected it so soon, or so suddenly. It just all seems so unreal, and every single one of us is so affected..
On the extreme opposite end of the spectrum, my other cousin GOT ENGAGED! Tuesday of last week! It's really oh so freakin exciting! They plan to get married in 2011, which seems far from now, but I'm still super excited! Especially since I get to be a bridesmaid :DDDDDD A BRIDESMAID! for HER wedding! I would be 20 then.. DANGIT. So close to 21...HAHAHAHAH. But it's okay! I'm still super uber excited! We were all already talking about the wedding and stuff today hahah. The best part of her proposal story is that Alvin called her parents right before he proposed to ask for the blessings for their daughter's hand in marriage!!!! I friggin CRIED when she was telling the story. How PERFECT is he?! Goodness. How PERFECT are THEY?! They're so great together! I've never seen her so happy before either. It's so wonderful. Like seriously. He proposed in Times Square too. Well, a hotel in Times Square, but who cares?! It's freakin NEW YORK! Man, it's so surreal! And so perfect! I'm very happy for my cousin. She deserves the best.
I've been keeping myself really busy this summer. Or trying to. I've been reading, and working, and dancing and hanging out with friends. I'm trying to screen my thoughts by keeping myself busy. It doesn't work at night though, when you're just laying in bed staring at the ceiling. I don't want to think about it anymore but it keeps coming back and haunting my dreams. I like being at work or at dance cuz I never think about it then. But even though I purposely try to tire myself out at work or at dance, my thoughts are strong in the middle of the night. Ugh. Go away.. I want a fun-filled summer, and if you can't give it to me, stop reminding me every day that you can't. It just makes me sad.

You'd think

You'd think being with someone for such a long time would give you high importance in their life. You'd think that after all you've been through with someone, that maybe, just maybe, they'd feel different about you. A little stronger, perhaps? I'm stuck on this middle ground. I have been for longer than my heart can actually handle. He claims I stand no further from where I was when I asked last year, yet why does it seem like as time goes on I slip further and further away? I've felt stronger times; I've felt closer before. I'm finding it difficult to believe I'm still on this middle ground..and can you blame me? He keeps stabbing my heart with the words, "I have my own life"..as if I was separate from it..as if I wasn't worthy enough to be a part of "his own life." You'd think being with someone for so long and going through so much with them would make you at least part of their life.. You'd think we share the same life, but really I'm sharing mine while he's off "having his own life." And what the hell am I to do? What am I to do, loving someone who is so unsure of where I stand (or if I stand..) in his future? What am I to do with someone who is planning with failure as an option? What am I to do?

Half -blood Prince.

Awesome movie! Possibly my favorite of the six movies thus far. It was HILARIOUS. I got scared at one point. And I definitely cried when Dumbledore died, just like when I read the book, so many years ago. I dont remember when Harry Potter movies were funny.. but the sixth one was HILARIOUS. I'm not sure if it was just because I was so excited for it.. and it was midnight [my first midnight showing experience] or what, but it was FANTASTIC! I was also reminded of how genius J.K. Rowling is. And also, I now want to read the 7th book all over again. It was my favorite book in the series. Although.. I still disapprove of Harry & Ginny as a couple. Oh well hahah. On a different note, I'm 789% excited for New Moon. I'm definitely going to the midnight showing of that too [;

Just In Case You Care..

Even though this summer I'm having the most fun I've ever had in such a long time, I still feel incomplete without you. I'm missing a friend. I'm missing love. But most of all, I'm missing a part of myself: you.

A Promise in the Dark

"Can’t count on you most of all when I really need it. It’s the simple things that you do really hurt my feelings. The more I try, the more I’m starting to see it. This can’t work any more than you believe it. Goodbye may come as a shock. Even though I love you a lot. I’ve given every breath I’ve got. Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe. And how many times I gave my heart? To how many times we fell apart? And it equals a promise in the dark. So don’t promise me. And how many times I gave you me? Divided by so many memories. And it equals a promise in the dark. So don’t promise me. I just don’t know what the problem is, what the deal is. Was I there too much, did I move too fast, I couldn’t see it? All these promises are probably how you deal with it. I’m tired of hearing you say you're innocent. Don’t think I forgot, because I really didn’t. Who cares if you’re lying or not? I’ve given every breath I’ve got. Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we do desperate things. What does it prove? NOTHING. Then what took you so long? Cuz I keep, keep hanging on."

It's time to let go of all the people I knew who hurt me. It's time to let go of the times that made me sad. It's time to let go of all the people who have made me feel forgotten. It's time to let go of such a tight grip on something that's indifferent. It's time to let go of the people who make me feel like I'm a failure with their condescending tone and painful words. It's time to let go of someone who doesn't love the person that I am.

I've given up on holding on to you.. and you.. and you. If you don't care then why the hell am I trying so hard? I don't care what you say, I deserve better than that. There's a countless number of strangers in my future who are merely friends waiting to be met. I'm not going to waste anymore time with you, when all you do is make me feel alone. And unless you can change and show me what I deserve, I'm already gone.

"I didn't know love could hurt more than hatred or anger. combined." -- tm

Overpowering.

What do I do when I want to talk to one of my bestfriends about my troubles.. but I can't? Because I know you'd spill the beans to the one person I don't want you to tell? All he would have to do is ask. I know there's other people I can talk to.. but it'd be different if I was able to talk to you.. I would feel so much better. I miss the days when I could talk to you about anything. They did exist..once upon a time. I miss not having to worry about what you'll say to him. Because you could say anything you want.. and I would never really know. I just always have this horrible piercing feeling in the pits of my stomach. I miss feeling comfortable around you.

This is gonna sound really bad. If I could chose which friends to love and have in my life.. I wouldn't chose you. But I can't chose when it comes to love. Because my heart overpowers my mind when it comes to my relationships with other people. And I don't know if that's a crime. But it sure is saving your ass.

Upset.

I haven't written on my other blog since March. I can't figure out why. Maybe because Summer always causes me to lose intellect. Ha. Or I think it's because there's a lot going through my mind these days, and I can't find the right time [or words] to put it on paper. Or blog. Maybe I should go to bookstores and just read. All I know is that I've been lacking Inspiration. Where'd you go? I miss you so.

I feel really stupid these days with everyone talking about their 5s and 4s from their AP exams on Facebook. I'm really upset I didn't pass the English Literature exam.. I thought I did well.. My AP Chemistry and AP Gov scores were no surprise to me, though I still feel bad about them. My confidence is at an all-time low right now. And after the phone call I got yesterday about drunk girlfriends and losing trust in someone.. I am deeply afraid of the future. And the fact that things aren't going my way with you this summer, is already a bad sign. Why do I keep getting disappointed? I don't know what to do with myself these days.. especially since you don't want to do anything with me. Don't tell me about being lonely when I make my time so available for you and you just don't want it. If this is how you want it to be, then so be it.

yay or nay?

i want green in my hair ;]

badly

"I just want so badly for him to want me.
Cuz I know he did at some point."

You said it.

Epic.

"If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change." --- Michael Jackson

I'm not sure how to react to his death. Shane texted me saying that the King of Pop had died.. and I just didn't believe him. Michael Jackson has been around for so long, I guess I just always assumed he was some kind of God, immortal. But as I sit here in front of my laptop and (re)watch videos of Michael Jackson and listen to a playlist of his greatest hits on repeat.. I realize, he's not dead. MJ's legacy will live forever. He is the definition of epic. Without him people like Ne-yo, Chris Brown, Usher, and countless of other artists, would be nothing. He is even the idol and inspiration of my favorite Filipino singer: Sarah Geronimo. And especially the dance world as we know it today, would not have existed if it weren't for MJ. I guess I never admit it aloud, but I really do think Michael Jackson was the greatest entertainer that ever lived, or ever will live. I've been watching his videos more carefully lately, and only now did I actually realize how much his moves inspire teams like Kaba Modern and Team Millenium.. and the great Philippine All-Stars. EVERYTHING in the performing-world that I know, traces its roots back to Michael Jackson. It's amazing.
His death also seemed really random to me.. but then again, what natural death isn't. Life really is too short. It's the most cliche thing to say, but it's the most truthful cliche thing to say. Every day, I dance like there's no tomorrow. Every day, I love like it's my last chance to love. Do you?

Congratulations

on being second. You have the honor of always being the second person to be called. When a warning goes out, you're the second person to be called. When an SOS goes out, you're still second. And people depend on you when they have troubles and need advice, or just need some comforting. But that's all. You're not the one they call for fun. You're everybody's second best friend. And for some reason, you tell yourself that you're okay with that.. because at least you help other people in the process. But even the people you make sacrifices for put you second. And when you do your best to do everything for someone, even if it means doing something you don't really like, you still end up second. The harder you try to push for first place, second place begins to feel like it's slipping from your grasp. Because of this, you try to make everyone else around you happier, forcing you to act like your own needs and wants don't exist. Because all the Firsts matter more. Congratulations, because always being second must be lonely sometimes. Congratulations, because despite this, you still decide to hold on to second place. Congratulations because.. you guess it's better than being last.

"See you later!"

I'm exhausted, Barely breathing
Holding on to what I believe in
James & Jake said it right during their speeches: amazing. It's really the only word I can use to describe my years at oxford, despite its generality. It's very difficult for me to figure out my feelings right now. After the graduation ceremony yesterday, when we all went outside to take pictures, it still hadn't hit me that we JUST spent our last moments together as a senior class. After each picture I took with someone, I kept saying, "Okay, well I'll see you later!" Only now have I realized.. some of these people I won't be seeing for several years. After grad night, I was too exhausted to make this realization, too. I woke up this morning realizing that I'm not going to put on a uniform and head my way to Oxford. I woke up this morning realizing that I won't be making my way over to that bench we always spent our mornings before classes, as seniors. I woke up this morning realizing that, things won't be the same ever again. And right now, I don't really know what to make of this change. This is the first time I have actually felt.. a little older. No more high school. I think of myself as somebody who won't really be remembered, except by my few close friends. However, when I think about the way I spent my high school years, there's only a few things I regret. It's okay to regret things, but not okay to dwell on them. Overall though, I feel pretty good about my high school experience. I had my times of laughter and my times of tears which have all shaped me to be who I am today. I am just beginning to find out who I am, and I know the college experience will help too. I am both excited for this.. and afraid. I think the transition into college will be difficult for me.. it's only the second day of summer and I already miss people that I'm used to seeing every day. It's only the second day of summer and i already feel the weight of a void inside of me. I realized today that if I don't want to feel lonely, I must keep myself busy..even though being home alone doesn't exactly help. Hopefully I get that job my neighbor is trying to hook me up with, even though it's a sales associate position at a clothes store. I'm not really psyched to work there.. but in economic crises (and severe cases of boredom and loneliness), I'll take what I can get. On a happier note, I did try to make myself busy this summer by registering for TM's Summer Intensive again. But when I registered, I decided on being ambitious, so I signed up for the Senior's Advanced classes. To be honest, I am scared... what if I'm not good enough! And the worst part is that I am very shy. So if i suck and be shy, it's going to be a disaster. Hahaha. I have to think positively, though. I worry too much. Argh, well I have a plethora of feelings inside me right now, and it's kinda driving me crazy this summer. I feel nostalgic, excited, overwhelmed, anxious, lonely, ambitious, satisfied, confident, confused, mad and happy. Quite frankly, I don't know what to do with myself, and I'm only BEGINNING to grow up! It's going to be a long summer, I think. I have a strange feeling that I need to start using correct punctuation and capitalization on my blog entries, because all of a sudden I feel old.

complete.

performer of the night, june 09 ♥
ive waited four years for this..
my oxford singers career is officially complete :D

EIGHTEEN!

(i just thought this was a cool picture haha) IM FINALLY EIGHTEEN! YAY! and what a FABULOUS 18th birthday it was! the choir show turned out to be pretty darn good, i must say! before the show started, the oh niners sang happy birthday for me in the lobby of cook auditorium. it was quite nice (: mrs hansberry bought me a slice of cake and had it delivered to our dressing room (: i got lots of balloons and bouquets of roses (: and loving grams from family members and alumni (: and it was all just so wonderful! choir really gave me a Happy birthday. and i cant believe its all over :[ the last high school choir show of my life. it makes me so emotional. but to be honest, i really didnt think i would cry. but i did. and i didnt start crying until mrs mcelderry walked up to take a mic and sing with hogan. and then after that hoshi and ms batinga joined along with them and i just LOST IT! i cried my heart out. this is the program that i love. and this is the end of it. oh God. how i would miss doing these shows, and being on stage with fellow choir members. i know for a fact it wont be my last time on a stage ;] but for my birthday night to be my last high school choir show.. MAN, that was too much to handle. but having all the choir teachers ive ever had sing for us was such a great way to end my oasingers career: with tears of happiness. i shall never forget it for as long as i live ♥

canvas

got my award for choir. as expected. its really the only thing i get awards in. hahah. im very proud of the work and effort and dedication that i have put into choir for the past four years of my life. but as much as i love choir, nobody thinks getting an award for choir is even the slightest bit as impressive as getting an award for an academic course.. which makes me wish i was an academic genius. hmmmm. it's no wonder that throughout my six years of oxford, i sometimes felt out of place. walking out the gym door, i proudly smile to my parents and they say, "Well at least you got one award." with the sort of look on their face as if i just got lucky.. in their eyes i see that they wonder how it feels to be the parent of an exceptional writer, or some kind of logical mathematician, or some kind of intelligent scientist. in their eyes i see that they look for honor chords in my hand, or some kind of scholarship worth some hefty amount of money. i look away, in search of someone.. someone who might be proud of me. in high hopes, i search the crowd. our eyes meet, but do not lock. and though we stand in front of each other, your wandering eyes disappoint me.. and make me a little sad, for they are in constant search, of what, i do not know. i disengage my hopeless gawking from your wandering eyes, feeling somebody else's pair of eyes on me. then i see proud, loving arms coming my way with the company of friendly faces. the only set of big smiles that i have seen this night, actually meant for ME. and that is all it took to prevent my sad feelings from painting themselves on the canvas that is my face.

yay

- All I Ever Wanted(.)
- classified rihana flats(.)
- parrots(.)
- lover not a fighter(.)
- gift cards to Sidecca, Forever21, or Styles
- urban decay book of shadows. haha. kinda expensive.
- dunks(.) really expensive. hahaha.

ps. asldfjald;jasd; november!!

mall-ing

people give really strange looks when youre at the mall shopping by yourself. it really annoyed me. like, why cant i freakin just shop in peace?! so basically, i want to get rid of half my closet, and buy a lot of dresses. and shoes. i wish i had a money tree. i really want a lot of dresses.

prom was bomb, though i liked last year's better. a lot better actually. for several reasons. the food at park prive wasnt so great. the tiny dance floor, despite the spacious venue, was outside. there are other reasons, but i would rather not get into them. so lets take a step back and look at what i DID like. the leaf thing. the photobooth (i didnt take advantage of it though. ugh.). and the DJ wasnt anything to complain about. and thats all i can really think of.. it's alright. it wasnt horrible or anything so yay. though i didnt get the kind of cheesecake i expected =/

im excited for june. so much is happening, it's insane. eighteen here i come!

four day weekend.

friday was awesome cuz it was band[aid]. speaking of which, Jumakae, who performed first that night, works at cerritos park east. she was the one who helped us today when i went with my parents to work on the layout of the place with the tables and other miscellaneous equipment. she's so nice. oh and she goes to csulb. what a small world. saturday morning was my cousins graduation at csuf. it was so hot! afternoon til night was debut practice. which was fun, as usual. except for a small thing that pissed me off. but whatever. some people just dont know how to be considerate.. after practice, gerard, gaby, will and shane stayed to watch Independence Day. good movie, i love will smith. sunday was my cousin's graduation party. which was alright i guess. lots of people. lots and lots of food. i ate way too much, and then knocked out in my cousin's room cuz i got food coma. monday was cleaning day. washed my car, did some chores, etc. then at ten pm i went to school for the Senior Prank. it was pretty fun actually, and im really glad i was able to go and participate. our class was good for something (: got home at 3am. couldnt sleep for another two hours ish.. today, tuesday was Senior Ditch Day, so i didnt go to school. had lunch with christina, will, and shane at gardenwalk. then hung out with shane for awhile after that, ordered our flowers for prom etc etc. and thats basically my four day weekend. though i had an overall pretty eventful and relaxing four day weekend, a lot of things have made me upset. but im doing my best not to make such a big deal out of it.. seems like i always just lose in the end anyway whether i share my feelings or not, so i might as well not. i have realized that a lot has changed since a couple months ago. ive gone out on a limb and taken my chances.. and good changes have come out of it. but at the same time, some things never change.. ill never be where i used to be before.. ill never be the one they call or text first.. ill never be the one they ask or go to.. ill always just sit here by his side and watch him be who i wish i was to them.. but it seems that better things come out of it when i just leave my pain to myself. other people are happier. people actually sorta talk to me. eh. i guess this is what it takes. i just wish there was one person who was willing to understand me and feel for me and just hold me and let me cry when i need to and say its okay. oh well, i guess.. less than four weeks left of this chapter in my life, and a new one will begin. "i will not miss always being second best." very well said. i expect a lot of things to happen once this year is over. a lot of good things. hopefully. cuz frankly, iono how much more pain i can keep inside of me. you know what hurts the most? when you KNOW, and yet you do whatever you want anyway, not taking me into consideration. and God says "thou shalt love thy neighbor" or whatever it is. where is the love? good friends are hard to find. people who you can trust, people who wont leave you hanging.. or leave you out.. people who take interest in your well being.. and will do everything to avoid hurting you. life used to be much simpler when my favorite thing to do was reign as hopscotch queen. i need someone to talk to. and since no one is willing to take what i have to say and do something.. well then i have no choice but to just vent it out here on this stupid blog and hope that maybe some of you will get a fcking clue. i hate that no matter how many times i repeat how i feel about things, people still continue to do whatever they want. even if it hurts me. and even though i make a hell of an effort to be good to them. im bitter and upset and sad and alone, with no one to sit down and have an ice cream heart-to-heart conversation with. fourteen effing days never seemed so long. GOD. and thats sincerely in prayer, not in vain.