Wednesday, May 27, 2009

four day weekend.

friday was awesome cuz it was band[aid]. speaking of which, Jumakae, who performed first that night, works at cerritos park east. she was the one who helped us today when i went with my parents to work on the layout of the place with the tables and other miscellaneous equipment. she's so nice. oh and she goes to csulb. what a small world. saturday morning was my cousins graduation at csuf. it was so hot! afternoon til night was debut practice. which was fun, as usual. except for a small thing that pissed me off. but whatever. some people just dont know how to be considerate.. after practice, gerard, gaby, will and shane stayed to watch Independence Day. good movie, i love will smith. sunday was my cousin's graduation party. which was alright i guess. lots of people. lots and lots of food. i ate way too much, and then knocked out in my cousin's room cuz i got food coma. monday was cleaning day. washed my car, did some chores, etc. then at ten pm i went to school for the Senior Prank. it was pretty fun actually, and im really glad i was able to go and participate. our class was good for something (: got home at 3am. couldnt sleep for another two hours ish.. today, tuesday was Senior Ditch Day, so i didnt go to school. had lunch with christina, will, and shane at gardenwalk. then hung out with shane for awhile after that, ordered our flowers for prom etc etc. and thats basically my four day weekend. though i had an overall pretty eventful and relaxing four day weekend, a lot of things have made me upset. but im doing my best not to make such a big deal out of it.. seems like i always just lose in the end anyway whether i share my feelings or not, so i might as well not. i have realized that a lot has changed since a couple months ago. ive gone out on a limb and taken my chances.. and good changes have come out of it. but at the same time, some things never change.. ill never be where i used to be before.. ill never be the one they call or text first.. ill never be the one they ask or go to.. ill always just sit here by his side and watch him be who i wish i was to them.. but it seems that better things come out of it when i just leave my pain to myself. other people are happier. people actually sorta talk to me. eh. i guess this is what it takes. i just wish there was one person who was willing to understand me and feel for me and just hold me and let me cry when i need to and say its okay. oh well, i guess.. less than four weeks left of this chapter in my life, and a new one will begin. "i will not miss always being second best." very well said. i expect a lot of things to happen once this year is over. a lot of good things. hopefully. cuz frankly, iono how much more pain i can keep inside of me. you know what hurts the most? when you KNOW, and yet you do whatever you want anyway, not taking me into consideration. and God says "thou shalt love thy neighbor" or whatever it is. where is the love? good friends are hard to find. people who you can trust, people who wont leave you hanging.. or leave you out.. people who take interest in your well being.. and will do everything to avoid hurting you. life used to be much simpler when my favorite thing to do was reign as hopscotch queen. i need someone to talk to. and since no one is willing to take what i have to say and do something.. well then i have no choice but to just vent it out here on this stupid blog and hope that maybe some of you will get a fcking clue. i hate that no matter how many times i repeat how i feel about things, people still continue to do whatever they want. even if it hurts me. and even though i make a hell of an effort to be good to them. im bitter and upset and sad and alone, with no one to sit down and have an ice cream heart-to-heart conversation with. fourteen effing days never seemed so long. GOD. and thats sincerely in prayer, not in vain.


Albert Lowe said...

if the thing that pissed you off at debut practice was me, i'm sorry i was inconsiderate.

rOnaMaGlian said...

oh no, it wasnt you, albert. dont worry.