canvas

got my award for choir. as expected. its really the only thing i get awards in. hahah. im very proud of the work and effort and dedication that i have put into choir for the past four years of my life. but as much as i love choir, nobody thinks getting an award for choir is even the slightest bit as impressive as getting an award for an academic course.. which makes me wish i was an academic genius. hmmmm. it's no wonder that throughout my six years of oxford, i sometimes felt out of place. walking out the gym door, i proudly smile to my parents and they say, "Well at least you got one award." with the sort of look on their face as if i just got lucky.. in their eyes i see that they wonder how it feels to be the parent of an exceptional writer, or some kind of logical mathematician, or some kind of intelligent scientist. in their eyes i see that they look for honor chords in my hand, or some kind of scholarship worth some hefty amount of money. i look away, in search of someone.. someone who might be proud of me. in high hopes, i search the crowd. our eyes meet, but do not lock. and though we stand in front of each other, your wandering eyes disappoint me.. and make me a little sad, for they are in constant search, of what, i do not know. i disengage my hopeless gawking from your wandering eyes, feeling somebody else's pair of eyes on me. then i see proud, loving arms coming my way with the company of friendly faces. the only set of big smiles that i have seen this night, actually meant for ME. and that is all it took to prevent my sad feelings from painting themselves on the canvas that is my face.