Thursday, June 18, 2009

"See you later!"

I'm exhausted, Barely breathing
Holding on to what I believe in

James & Jake said it right during their speeches: amazing. It's really the only word I can use to describe my years at oxford, despite its generality. It's very difficult for me to figure out my feelings right now. After the graduation ceremony yesterday, when we all went outside to take pictures, it still hadn't hit me that we JUST spent our last moments together as a senior class. After each picture I took with someone, I kept saying, "Okay, well I'll see you later!" Only now have I realized.. some of these people I won't be seeing for several years. After grad night, I was too exhausted to make this realization, too. I woke up this morning realizing that I'm not going to put on a uniform and head my way to Oxford. I woke up this morning realizing that I won't be making my way over to that bench we always spent our mornings before classes, as seniors. I woke up this morning realizing that, things won't be the same ever again. And right now, I don't really know what to make of this change. This is the first time I have actually felt.. a little older. No more high school. I think of myself as somebody who won't really be remembered, except by my few close friends. However, when I think about the way I spent my high school years, there's only a few things I regret. It's okay to regret things, but not okay to dwell on them. Overall though, I feel pretty good about my high school experience. I had my times of laughter and my times of tears which have all shaped me to be who I am today. I am just beginning to find out who I am, and I know the college experience will help too. I am both excited for this.. and afraid. I think the transition into college will be difficult for me.. it's only the second day of summer and I already miss people that I'm used to seeing every day. It's only the second day of summer and i already feel the weight of a void inside of me. I realized today that if I don't want to feel lonely, I must keep myself busy..even though being home alone doesn't exactly help. Hopefully I get that job my neighbor is trying to hook me up with, even though it's a sales associate position at a clothes store. I'm not really psyched to work there.. but in economic crises (and severe cases of boredom and loneliness), I'll take what I can get. On a happier note, I did try to make myself busy this summer by registering for TM's Summer Intensive again. But when I registered, I decided on being ambitious, so I signed up for the Senior's Advanced classes. To be honest, I am scared... what if I'm not good enough! And the worst part is that I am very shy. So if i suck and be shy, it's going to be a disaster. Hahaha. I have to think positively, though. I worry too much. Argh, well I have a plethora of feelings inside me right now, and it's kinda driving me crazy this summer. I feel nostalgic, excited, overwhelmed, anxious, lonely, ambitious, satisfied, confident, confused, mad and happy. Quite frankly, I don't know what to do with myself, and I'm only BEGINNING to grow up! It's going to be a long summer, I think. I have a strange feeling that I need to start using correct punctuation and capitalization on my blog entries, because all of a sudden I feel old.

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