Sunday, September 27, 2009

strange pt2. - chasing pavements

ill be hitting multiple birds with one stone here.
I can think of several occasions in the past in which I was the confrontational one. I can also think of many times when I was the one to run away from the problem. But when I think of those times, I'm reminded that after a long time (I recall that one time, it was after several months), I still end up being the confrontational one. I was always one to chase pavements. I was always the one to be the last to fight. But how do we know which pavements are worth chasing? Contrary to his belief that we decide whether something is worth it, by evaluating an 'end' result... I believe in determining the worth of doing something, not by an 'end' result, but by a conscious decision of the mind and heart, before it's even the 'end.' Because I believe in making things worth it along the way, not just letting things happen and waiting until the 'end' to decide if something was worth it. For example, I keep coming back because my mind & heart has made the conscious decision that it's worth it. And while he believes (correct me if I'm wrong; though I don't think I am since you've told me this countless times)that we will never really know if all this is worth it until the 'end' ... i disagree very strongly. With a mad passion, actually. But back to the original topic. I had lost my breath, panting and gasping for air from chasing pavements in past years. Yeah, now I have changed. Because this time, I wont be gasping for breath until I decide something is worth it. To be honest, I have no intentions on being the confrontational one this time around. And just to clear the air, I have no feelings of resentment, but rather, indifference. I don't know if feeling indifferent is worse or better than feeling resentful, but I do know that it's gonna take a lot more than this to shatter my revived happy self. I'm so gleeful these days it's almost disgusting hahaha. I feel like a junior high kid again. Speaking of Glee, it reminds me of show choir whenever I watch it, and it makes me miss SC. But PAC and PAC Modern are energizing me these days ♥. I realize I've become a stronger person. And I don't let things depress me, like how I did before. Lately it's more often the things that make me happy that linger in my mind rather than the things that are upsetting. I guess the danger now is neglecting my problems. Eventually, I'll find the perfect balance. Hahaha.


Anonymous said...

just because you're doing something in the middle of a process in order to make something "worth it," it doesn't mean the end result no longer matters or that it is even worth it. the end result always matters and always determines whether it was worth's just that it depends on what you did to influence that result. looking at the result as a measure of whether someone was worth it or not doesn't have to mean you simply took a "wait and see" approach. you can still be active about it and look at what results from that.

let me give a proper analogy. let's say you bought a hot dog. this would be representative of any sort of experience. when you start biting into the hot dog, that is when you begin your journey to see if the hot dog was worth buying. if you want more flavor, you might add some ketchup. if you keep on biting and you want more, you might add some other condiments. this would make it more worthwhile. but everything you're stopping to reflect, that is essentially a temporary end to your actions and your experience. that is the end result...until you keep biting. and why would you keep biting? because you still have some left to go. once you are forced to end, that is when you wonder if all the things you did (or didn't do) made the entire experience as a whole worth it. when you put condiments on your hot dog, you made that particular bite worth it rather than continuing to bite even though you wanted more flavor. you simply made a distinction between being active and being passive in order to influence the end result. the end result still is the ultimate determination as to whether something was worth doing.

risk vs. reward..

there aren't only 2 ways to live life. you talk about balance, yet decide to live life by treating every situation the same way. even if you change, if you continue to treat every situation the same way, you will still be disappointed. find true balance through a regulation, not simply a change to the other side, as if making up for being on the other side, because it doesn't work that way.

as for resentment vs. indifference..

with resentment, at least it means you care. indifference tends to mean you run away from the problem and you are in a sense selfish because you don't want to be bothered. but it's not entirely your fault...after so much suffering it's essentially human nature to run away, claiming to be happy because you don't care anymore.

but if you truly are happy now, it's good to see that it's the more happy things that occupy your mind. but as you said, neglecting your problems can be a danger. and yet you didn't seem to recognize that indifference was neglecting...

strength of your heart isn't measured by how well you can deflect or absorb problems. it's about reaction, whether it's active or passive...

i'm not the best at explaining some things and this comment might seem all over the place but i hope it brings some insight to your post.

good luck.

philophiliac said...

Kudos to anony ... some brilliant points. But, ketchup dog ? Ew.

You talk about this "end" result, but fail to realize that there is really no such thing as this "end" to which you refer. At least not in the way you are describing it: as a concrete event that is set to happen at some designated time in the future. Remember that endings are what you make them be. It might end, it might not. It might end tomorrow, or a year from now. It is impossible for you to know these things; and what, I ask, is the sense in focusing your attention on a prospect you know nothing about ? The end result is by definition a product of everything that has happened since the beginning. And you have a very high degree of control over these events. You don't need to "choose" between the end result and the now result; one comprises the other. Make it what you want now, and later it will still be what you wanted. It's your call.

I think this is essentially (at least in part) what you were already saying, so I suppose that means I am agreeing with you. And helping you figure out what you mean. :)

It is awesome to see a close friend grow and become stronger and happier, even if it brings us slowly more apart. Keep it up.

p.s. Glee does that to me too. I miss SC so much ... nostalgia depresses me. I want to sing ! Definitely taking choir next semester ...