Sunday, July 26, 2009

A Lot.

There's a lot going on this summer. This summer, I feel overwhelmed by such a wide range of emotions.. wider than any range of emotions I've ever felt before [which I didn't think was possible, to be honest]. And since my best friend is too busy for me, this blog is really the only other thing I want to vent to. There's so much going on with me and my life. There's so much going on with my family, too. Last week, we all found out that my aunt (finally) filed a divorce with her husband. After fifteen years of physical and verbal abuse... after fifteen years of sacrificing happiness for the sake of her child.. that's why I say finally. As of now, she is in China for her work (and to hide from whatever possible danger is here for her at "home"). And yet, I feel sad. I should feel relieved. The problem is, I honestly don't know when I'm going to see her next.. and she is my second mother. The worst part is, my cousin hates his mother for leaving. My cousin is a wreck, and is heart broken and I can understand why my cousin is so angry, but I don't know what to do. I want to help my cousin understand why my aunt needs to do this.. there's actually not much time left in her life with her Huntington's Disease progressively getting worse by the day.. and having to deal with a husband like that would only drive her to her grave faster than any disease would. I'm so afraid of losing her, and it sucks that I can't see her right now.. and technically she's not supposed to have any sort of communication with us during this period of divorce-paper-processing. My mom says this case might even go to court. I would HATE to see the day my family has to experience the torn-family-in-the-courtroom scene that I would always watch on Filipino soap operas.. and the worse part is that it is more likely than not, to happen. I'm deeply concerned about my cousin too. I can't even imagine the kind of pain he is going through.. feeling like your mother just walked out of your life.. with no forewarning. Even though we've all been expecting this divorce to happen, none of us expected it so soon, or so suddenly. It just all seems so unreal, and every single one of us is so affected..
On the extreme opposite end of the spectrum, my other cousin GOT ENGAGED! Tuesday of last week! It's really oh so freakin exciting! They plan to get married in 2011, which seems far from now, but I'm still super excited! Especially since I get to be a bridesmaid :DDDDDD A BRIDESMAID! for HER wedding! I would be 20 then.. DANGIT. So close to 21...HAHAHAHAH. But it's okay! I'm still super uber excited! We were all already talking about the wedding and stuff today hahah. The best part of her proposal story is that Alvin called her parents right before he proposed to ask for the blessings for their daughter's hand in marriage!!!! I friggin CRIED when she was telling the story. How PERFECT is he?! Goodness. How PERFECT are THEY?! They're so great together! I've never seen her so happy before either. It's so wonderful. Like seriously. He proposed in Times Square too. Well, a hotel in Times Square, but who cares?! It's freakin NEW YORK! Man, it's so surreal! And so perfect! I'm very happy for my cousin. She deserves the best.
I've been keeping myself really busy this summer. Or trying to. I've been reading, and working, and dancing and hanging out with friends. I'm trying to screen my thoughts by keeping myself busy. It doesn't work at night though, when you're just laying in bed staring at the ceiling. I don't want to think about it anymore but it keeps coming back and haunting my dreams. I like being at work or at dance cuz I never think about it then. But even though I purposely try to tire myself out at work or at dance, my thoughts are strong in the middle of the night. Ugh. Go away.. I want a fun-filled summer, and if you can't give it to me, stop reminding me every day that you can't. It just makes me sad.


ms. tara said...

I'll pray for your Aunt and your cousin, that must be so hard on both of them.

and the night is the worstt time of the day, the mind just doesn't seem to go to sleep.

rOnaMaGlian said...

Thanks Tara, that really means a lot. Praying is all we can do now.