I'm jealous of the people who don't seem to have much to worry about. Either they really have nothing to worry about, or they're good at hiding it. Either way, I'm jealous of those people.
Sometimes it makes me angry when other people can just ask for money and get it. I have to worry about gas money and paying for my books.. and my parents yelling at each other AND me about financial problems. This is why I try to stay away from home as much as possible. I work not only for the money, but for the escape. However, working a lot doesn't leave much time to go out and have some fun. I feel tired. Not the kind of tired people get from going out too much. The kind of tired that grown-ups feel when they're stressed out and worried about living. I feel like I'm growing up too fast. I really don't have much of a choice right now though. I've got a burden on my back that I can't avoid. My parents are getting old and pissy.. and it drives me insane. As bad as that sounds, it's the truth. I feel pressured to do everything right. I want to make mistakes. I want to learn. I want to experience life. But I can't. A year ago, I would normally be b*tching about not having independence. My wishes were granted, and then some. There's a price for everything, I guess. If anything I should have been more specific with my wish. I should've wished for college-girl independence, not middle-aged-stressed-out-adult independence. It's like my life flash forwarded. Well, I want to be married and with a child before 30. Maybe my kids won't have to deal with "old and pissy" at a young age.
I have a friend who confessed a good deal of 'new stuff' about their life. A lot of things I can't really relate to. To be honest, it kept me up all night. They told me because they needed to tell someone who wouldn't judge them. But how do I tell them how I really feel? That I feel like I don't know them anymore.. That I'm worried now about things that COULD happen to them if they're not careful. I don't really know what's stopping me. ARGH. I should tell them. If not, I'll be like Person #1 that I wrote a letter to in my previous post: a person who doesn't tell her "friend" the truth of how she feels. And I wouldn't want to be a hypocrite, now would I?
People say it's hard to stand up for what you believe in, but in reality, it's easy. The hard part is ACTING on what you believe in. Anybody can just stand there and say what they believe. But having your actions match your true beliefs? A trait, rare amongst human nature. Being morally 'good' is lonely sometimes and that drives temptation up the walls. But I've got to be strong. I can't be like everybody else. As long as I know what I'm doing is right, I'll be okay. Hopefully.