i wish

i was the last thing on your mind at night
i was like the rest of them
i was enough to make you happy
i was someone you thought about during the day
i was worthy enough of your devotion during the rough times of my life
i was more than just a part of your daily routine
i was your one and only

and if any of this is actually true,
i wish you would tell me.

amazing.

in just a matter of seconds, my dream was shattered. i always knew it was too good to be true. i thank uci for graciously accepting me. and it was fun to really think i was actually going there for awhile. but now is now. and im through. im through will all the fights and the tears. i cant go to uci, and thats that. it's alright. i had my next four years pretty planned out at csulb before i was even accepted to uci. at least, i was accepted. that is good enough for me. to know that i had the chance to go. i am grateful. but this is the reality. somewhere, deep down inside, i always knew i would end up at long beach. hahah. it was never a real problem for me anyway.

weird to think some people are probably laughing at me. "look at this girl, making such a big deal about choosing between uci and long beach, when i have to choose between [insert super amazing university here] and [insert another one here]." but that's okay. i promise myself, whatever happens, my life is going to be amazing.

in bed

so many things always happen at one time. i dont understand why life has to work that way. i just wanna cry and be held and told that everything's gonna be okay. but i guess ditching school for the day and just lying in bed will have to do for now..

at least i saw you pass by. even if it was for a second. i was able to smile.

yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away

excited to see me.
what i would give to see that face again.
what i would give to feel that moment again,
and hold it a little while longer..
it made me really happy.

"it just swells up inside"

you were right about the swelling, thats for sure. its swelling from the deep pits of my stomach and into my throat.. i cant breathe. and thats not figurative. and i think my heart is racing three hundred beats per second, and i dont think thats even humanely possible. i hate this feeling. oh so fucking much. "it just swells up inside." you said the right words EXACTLY. it's funny how after a conversation of giving somebody advice, an hour later, i have to repeat that advice all over again, except this time to myself.. damn. i wish i had saved our conversation, that way i could read my own words of wisdom right now.

iwtywmliwy

i miss you. more than anything.
i wish you felt the same way.

i wanna..

swing high on the swing sets and not get sick. dance in the rain and not worry about being cold. swim underwater forever without having to take a breath. i wanna lay on the grass and become stoic to the crawling ants. close my eyes and not see darkness. play with fire and not get burned. i wanna roll down a hill and never feel dizzy. walk a thin wire and forget about the height. sing and never miss a note. i wanna tie a strong knot without tangling the rope. eat a billion cookies and not feel fat. hold a hand and never let go. i wanna sprint as fast as i can and never trip. stare at the sun and never become blind. blast music and never become deaf. dance through life and never stop. i wanna love and never feel like im not enough.

breathe.

no one ever thinks about how important breathing is. it's such an involuntary part of being alive that is taken for granted. every breath of air you take in is vital to your health. the taking in of oxygen and getting rid of carbon dioxide.. is only something you think about if it's for a biology or anatomy class. last night, i thought about breathing. being miserably ill with a cold, it's extremely difficult to sleep when you cant breathe. i thought about how i couldnt inhale and exhale deeply without exploding into a coughing fit. this kept me up all night. i feel as if my abs have had a work out from doubling up so much. but anyway, breathing. you never fully acknowledge the importance of something until it's out of your grasp. not being able to breathe last night kept me tossing and turning.. and thinking. sleep would not come, mucus kept pouring out of my nose, and my eyes kept darting back and forth to my phone (to check the time of course..). the last time i remember is 2:47 am. i went to bed around after dinner time.. and i am up early because my bed is incapable of satisfying me with sleep, and diminishing the feelings of loneliness inside, lying in the dark, coughing up my soul. dramatic much, i know, but i am bursting with suppressed emotion at the moment. i cant breathe and it's killing me. the lack of my source of life makes me feel insignificant and hopeless. having to deal with this change on my own, makes me feel very alone.

metaphors are awesome, especially when the reality works both ways.

moments

i miss the moments that used to take my breath away. those moments that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, despite the evidence of my ice cold skin. it used to get me through the school day.. but lately my motivation to get through my classes isnt so.. present. my reason to come to school doesnt seem to be reason these days. and lately the days have just dragged on.. lately ive been feeling like im just passing time.. on the contrary, it feels fast too. which scares me, a little. it's the beginning of april already, which means there's about two months left until.. until... i dont even know. and it dampens my mood a little. cuz i feel like each day hasnt maximized to its fullest, and the only thing i do know is that time is running out. but theres only so much i can do on my own..

i want to feel. i want to be. but i dont want to do it alone.
why am i the only one that feels this way