badly

"I just want so badly for him to want me.
Cuz I know he did at some point."

You said it.

Epic.

"If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change." --- Michael Jackson

I'm not sure how to react to his death. Shane texted me saying that the King of Pop had died.. and I just didn't believe him. Michael Jackson has been around for so long, I guess I just always assumed he was some kind of God, immortal. But as I sit here in front of my laptop and (re)watch videos of Michael Jackson and listen to a playlist of his greatest hits on repeat.. I realize, he's not dead. MJ's legacy will live forever. He is the definition of epic. Without him people like Ne-yo, Chris Brown, Usher, and countless of other artists, would be nothing. He is even the idol and inspiration of my favorite Filipino singer: Sarah Geronimo. And especially the dance world as we know it today, would not have existed if it weren't for MJ. I guess I never admit it aloud, but I really do think Michael Jackson was the greatest entertainer that ever lived, or ever will live. I've been watching his videos more carefully lately, and only now did I actually realize how much his moves inspire teams like Kaba Modern and Team Millenium.. and the great Philippine All-Stars. EVERYTHING in the performing-world that I know, traces its roots back to Michael Jackson. It's amazing.
His death also seemed really random to me.. but then again, what natural death isn't. Life really is too short. It's the most cliche thing to say, but it's the most truthful cliche thing to say. Every day, I dance like there's no tomorrow. Every day, I love like it's my last chance to love. Do you?

Congratulations

on being second. You have the honor of always being the second person to be called. When a warning goes out, you're the second person to be called. When an SOS goes out, you're still second. And people depend on you when they have troubles and need advice, or just need some comforting. But that's all. You're not the one they call for fun. You're everybody's second best friend. And for some reason, you tell yourself that you're okay with that.. because at least you help other people in the process. But even the people you make sacrifices for put you second. And when you do your best to do everything for someone, even if it means doing something you don't really like, you still end up second. The harder you try to push for first place, second place begins to feel like it's slipping from your grasp. Because of this, you try to make everyone else around you happier, forcing you to act like your own needs and wants don't exist. Because all the Firsts matter more. Congratulations, because always being second must be lonely sometimes. Congratulations, because despite this, you still decide to hold on to second place. Congratulations because.. you guess it's better than being last.

"See you later!"

I'm exhausted, Barely breathing
Holding on to what I believe in
James & Jake said it right during their speeches: amazing. It's really the only word I can use to describe my years at oxford, despite its generality. It's very difficult for me to figure out my feelings right now. After the graduation ceremony yesterday, when we all went outside to take pictures, it still hadn't hit me that we JUST spent our last moments together as a senior class. After each picture I took with someone, I kept saying, "Okay, well I'll see you later!" Only now have I realized.. some of these people I won't be seeing for several years. After grad night, I was too exhausted to make this realization, too. I woke up this morning realizing that I'm not going to put on a uniform and head my way to Oxford. I woke up this morning realizing that I won't be making my way over to that bench we always spent our mornings before classes, as seniors. I woke up this morning realizing that, things won't be the same ever again. And right now, I don't really know what to make of this change. This is the first time I have actually felt.. a little older. No more high school. I think of myself as somebody who won't really be remembered, except by my few close friends. However, when I think about the way I spent my high school years, there's only a few things I regret. It's okay to regret things, but not okay to dwell on them. Overall though, I feel pretty good about my high school experience. I had my times of laughter and my times of tears which have all shaped me to be who I am today. I am just beginning to find out who I am, and I know the college experience will help too. I am both excited for this.. and afraid. I think the transition into college will be difficult for me.. it's only the second day of summer and I already miss people that I'm used to seeing every day. It's only the second day of summer and i already feel the weight of a void inside of me. I realized today that if I don't want to feel lonely, I must keep myself busy..even though being home alone doesn't exactly help. Hopefully I get that job my neighbor is trying to hook me up with, even though it's a sales associate position at a clothes store. I'm not really psyched to work there.. but in economic crises (and severe cases of boredom and loneliness), I'll take what I can get. On a happier note, I did try to make myself busy this summer by registering for TM's Summer Intensive again. But when I registered, I decided on being ambitious, so I signed up for the Senior's Advanced classes. To be honest, I am scared... what if I'm not good enough! And the worst part is that I am very shy. So if i suck and be shy, it's going to be a disaster. Hahaha. I have to think positively, though. I worry too much. Argh, well I have a plethora of feelings inside me right now, and it's kinda driving me crazy this summer. I feel nostalgic, excited, overwhelmed, anxious, lonely, ambitious, satisfied, confident, confused, mad and happy. Quite frankly, I don't know what to do with myself, and I'm only BEGINNING to grow up! It's going to be a long summer, I think. I have a strange feeling that I need to start using correct punctuation and capitalization on my blog entries, because all of a sudden I feel old.

complete.

performer of the night, june 09 ♥
ive waited four years for this..
my oxford singers career is officially complete :D

EIGHTEEN!

(i just thought this was a cool picture haha) IM FINALLY EIGHTEEN! YAY! and what a FABULOUS 18th birthday it was! the choir show turned out to be pretty darn good, i must say! before the show started, the oh niners sang happy birthday for me in the lobby of cook auditorium. it was quite nice (: mrs hansberry bought me a slice of cake and had it delivered to our dressing room (: i got lots of balloons and bouquets of roses (: and loving grams from family members and alumni (: and it was all just so wonderful! choir really gave me a Happy birthday. and i cant believe its all over :[ the last high school choir show of my life. it makes me so emotional. but to be honest, i really didnt think i would cry. but i did. and i didnt start crying until mrs mcelderry walked up to take a mic and sing with hogan. and then after that hoshi and ms batinga joined along with them and i just LOST IT! i cried my heart out. this is the program that i love. and this is the end of it. oh God. how i would miss doing these shows, and being on stage with fellow choir members. i know for a fact it wont be my last time on a stage ;] but for my birthday night to be my last high school choir show.. MAN, that was too much to handle. but having all the choir teachers ive ever had sing for us was such a great way to end my oasingers career: with tears of happiness. i shall never forget it for as long as i live ♥

canvas

got my award for choir. as expected. its really the only thing i get awards in. hahah. im very proud of the work and effort and dedication that i have put into choir for the past four years of my life. but as much as i love choir, nobody thinks getting an award for choir is even the slightest bit as impressive as getting an award for an academic course.. which makes me wish i was an academic genius. hmmmm. it's no wonder that throughout my six years of oxford, i sometimes felt out of place. walking out the gym door, i proudly smile to my parents and they say, "Well at least you got one award." with the sort of look on their face as if i just got lucky.. in their eyes i see that they wonder how it feels to be the parent of an exceptional writer, or some kind of logical mathematician, or some kind of intelligent scientist. in their eyes i see that they look for honor chords in my hand, or some kind of scholarship worth some hefty amount of money. i look away, in search of someone.. someone who might be proud of me. in high hopes, i search the crowd. our eyes meet, but do not lock. and though we stand in front of each other, your wandering eyes disappoint me.. and make me a little sad, for they are in constant search, of what, i do not know. i disengage my hopeless gawking from your wandering eyes, feeling somebody else's pair of eyes on me. then i see proud, loving arms coming my way with the company of friendly faces. the only set of big smiles that i have seen this night, actually meant for ME. and that is all it took to prevent my sad feelings from painting themselves on the canvas that is my face.

yay

- All I Ever Wanted(.)
- classified rihana flats(.)
- parrots(.)
- lover not a fighter(.)
- gift cards to Sidecca, Forever21, or Styles
- urban decay book of shadows. haha. kinda expensive.
- dunks(.) really expensive. hahaha.

ps. asldfjald;jasd; november!!