Fast Forward.

People always say that time passes by too fast. And yet, sometimes, I wish life could just fast forward. Right now I wish life could fast forward to November, so I could already line up to watch New Moon. And sometimes, I wish life would fast forward to where I have a stable job, a house of my own, married and with children. To the point of my life where I feel secure and certain about everything. When I could go to bed every night and know that I have a good job to go to the next day. When I could go to bed every night and know that in the morning, the one that I love will be there right beside me, literally and figuratively. When I could go to bed every night and just feel safe and guaranteed. But right now, I go to bed every night full of questions and uncertainty. I don't know what I'm going to do in college yet. I don't know who's planning to stick around and who's planning not to.. I hate not knowing. I need a plan. But that's impossible, considering everyone around you has the same freedom of choice as you do. Today I went to CSULB and met up with some people I met at SOAR, and walking around campus I DID feel somewhat excited. Excited to be having my own time. Excited to be in a new place. Excited to meet new people. But at the same time, in the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think how I wish I was just over all of it already. I want to know what I'm going to be doing. I want to know who the people in my life are going to be. Or at least.. I need someone to reassure me that the future is a safe and happy place.. Well, today was fun [: It's just the future I'm anxious about. Not even that I'm worried about it.. just anxious.

Final Version.

boy i couldnt stop dreamin about ya
i kept on fantasizin about ya
and my heart kept beating around ya
faster and faster
like a bullet train speedin away
i woulda traveled to ya every day
nothing ever got in the way
of how i felt

when you held me, when you kissed me
it just felt oh so right
how i felt when you were on me
i thought i'd stay all night
thought that we'd forever be
winnin every lovers' fight
thought nothing would tear us apart
you were always in my heart

CHORUS
if someone else comes knockin at my door
sayin that he's willin to give me more
i cant promise to stay, oh
since youre tellin me you dont know
what our futures about
i need a confident heart
someone who has no doubt
about our love.
youre gonna regret not holding me
and making me part of your world

and even when we had bad days
somethin always brought me back to you
even the mistakes you made
erased with your smile
i loved your style
the way you walked it
and talked it
even made the tears worth the while

when your arms were round my body
it just felt oh so right
slow dancin front of your tv
i thought id stay all night
even though we, always seem
survivin every lovers fight
thought nothing would tear us apart
but now your breakin my heart

CHORUS

back then when i was completely yours
made me oh so weak, crawlin on all fours
the way you looked at me
with that sunny white smile
but after awhile
you distanced yourself
got me callin for help
got me cryin in my sleep
with a pain so deep
so where am i now?
could you tell me how?
im feelin alone, babe, right now

chorus 2x

A Lot.

There's a lot going on this summer. This summer, I feel overwhelmed by such a wide range of emotions.. wider than any range of emotions I've ever felt before [which I didn't think was possible, to be honest]. And since my best friend is too busy for me, this blog is really the only other thing I want to vent to. There's so much going on with me and my life. There's so much going on with my family, too. Last week, we all found out that my aunt (finally) filed a divorce with her husband. After fifteen years of physical and verbal abuse... after fifteen years of sacrificing happiness for the sake of her child.. that's why I say finally. As of now, she is in China for her work (and to hide from whatever possible danger is here for her at "home"). And yet, I feel sad. I should feel relieved. The problem is, I honestly don't know when I'm going to see her next.. and she is my second mother. The worst part is, my cousin hates his mother for leaving. My cousin is a wreck, and is heart broken and I can understand why my cousin is so angry, but I don't know what to do. I want to help my cousin understand why my aunt needs to do this.. there's actually not much time left in her life with her Huntington's Disease progressively getting worse by the day.. and having to deal with a husband like that would only drive her to her grave faster than any disease would. I'm so afraid of losing her, and it sucks that I can't see her right now.. and technically she's not supposed to have any sort of communication with us during this period of divorce-paper-processing. My mom says this case might even go to court. I would HATE to see the day my family has to experience the torn-family-in-the-courtroom scene that I would always watch on Filipino soap operas.. and the worse part is that it is more likely than not, to happen. I'm deeply concerned about my cousin too. I can't even imagine the kind of pain he is going through.. feeling like your mother just walked out of your life.. with no forewarning. Even though we've all been expecting this divorce to happen, none of us expected it so soon, or so suddenly. It just all seems so unreal, and every single one of us is so affected..
On the extreme opposite end of the spectrum, my other cousin GOT ENGAGED! Tuesday of last week! It's really oh so freakin exciting! They plan to get married in 2011, which seems far from now, but I'm still super excited! Especially since I get to be a bridesmaid :DDDDDD A BRIDESMAID! for HER wedding! I would be 20 then.. DANGIT. So close to 21...HAHAHAHAH. But it's okay! I'm still super uber excited! We were all already talking about the wedding and stuff today hahah. The best part of her proposal story is that Alvin called her parents right before he proposed to ask for the blessings for their daughter's hand in marriage!!!! I friggin CRIED when she was telling the story. How PERFECT is he?! Goodness. How PERFECT are THEY?! They're so great together! I've never seen her so happy before either. It's so wonderful. Like seriously. He proposed in Times Square too. Well, a hotel in Times Square, but who cares?! It's freakin NEW YORK! Man, it's so surreal! And so perfect! I'm very happy for my cousin. She deserves the best.
I've been keeping myself really busy this summer. Or trying to. I've been reading, and working, and dancing and hanging out with friends. I'm trying to screen my thoughts by keeping myself busy. It doesn't work at night though, when you're just laying in bed staring at the ceiling. I don't want to think about it anymore but it keeps coming back and haunting my dreams. I like being at work or at dance cuz I never think about it then. But even though I purposely try to tire myself out at work or at dance, my thoughts are strong in the middle of the night. Ugh. Go away.. I want a fun-filled summer, and if you can't give it to me, stop reminding me every day that you can't. It just makes me sad.

You'd think

You'd think being with someone for such a long time would give you high importance in their life. You'd think that after all you've been through with someone, that maybe, just maybe, they'd feel different about you. A little stronger, perhaps? I'm stuck on this middle ground. I have been for longer than my heart can actually handle. He claims I stand no further from where I was when I asked last year, yet why does it seem like as time goes on I slip further and further away? I've felt stronger times; I've felt closer before. I'm finding it difficult to believe I'm still on this middle ground..and can you blame me? He keeps stabbing my heart with the words, "I have my own life"..as if I was separate from it..as if I wasn't worthy enough to be a part of "his own life." You'd think being with someone for so long and going through so much with them would make you at least part of their life.. You'd think we share the same life, but really I'm sharing mine while he's off "having his own life." And what the hell am I to do? What am I to do, loving someone who is so unsure of where I stand (or if I stand..) in his future? What am I to do with someone who is planning with failure as an option? What am I to do?

Half -blood Prince.

Awesome movie! Possibly my favorite of the six movies thus far. It was HILARIOUS. I got scared at one point. And I definitely cried when Dumbledore died, just like when I read the book, so many years ago. I dont remember when Harry Potter movies were funny.. but the sixth one was HILARIOUS. I'm not sure if it was just because I was so excited for it.. and it was midnight [my first midnight showing experience] or what, but it was FANTASTIC! I was also reminded of how genius J.K. Rowling is. And also, I now want to read the 7th book all over again. It was my favorite book in the series. Although.. I still disapprove of Harry & Ginny as a couple. Oh well hahah. On a different note, I'm 789% excited for New Moon. I'm definitely going to the midnight showing of that too [;

Just In Case You Care..

Even though this summer I'm having the most fun I've ever had in such a long time, I still feel incomplete without you. I'm missing a friend. I'm missing love. But most of all, I'm missing a part of myself: you.

A Promise in the Dark

"Can’t count on you most of all when I really need it. It’s the simple things that you do really hurt my feelings. The more I try, the more I’m starting to see it. This can’t work any more than you believe it. Goodbye may come as a shock. Even though I love you a lot. I’ve given every breath I’ve got. Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe. And how many times I gave my heart? To how many times we fell apart? And it equals a promise in the dark. So don’t promise me. And how many times I gave you me? Divided by so many memories. And it equals a promise in the dark. So don’t promise me. I just don’t know what the problem is, what the deal is. Was I there too much, did I move too fast, I couldn’t see it? All these promises are probably how you deal with it. I’m tired of hearing you say you're innocent. Don’t think I forgot, because I really didn’t. Who cares if you’re lying or not? I’ve given every breath I’ve got. Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we do desperate things. What does it prove? NOTHING. Then what took you so long? Cuz I keep, keep hanging on."

It's time to let go of all the people I knew who hurt me. It's time to let go of the times that made me sad. It's time to let go of all the people who have made me feel forgotten. It's time to let go of such a tight grip on something that's indifferent. It's time to let go of the people who make me feel like I'm a failure with their condescending tone and painful words. It's time to let go of someone who doesn't love the person that I am.

I've given up on holding on to you.. and you.. and you. If you don't care then why the hell am I trying so hard? I don't care what you say, I deserve better than that. There's a countless number of strangers in my future who are merely friends waiting to be met. I'm not going to waste anymore time with you, when all you do is make me feel alone. And unless you can change and show me what I deserve, I'm already gone.

"I didn't know love could hurt more than hatred or anger. combined." -- tm

Overpowering.

What do I do when I want to talk to one of my bestfriends about my troubles.. but I can't? Because I know you'd spill the beans to the one person I don't want you to tell? All he would have to do is ask. I know there's other people I can talk to.. but it'd be different if I was able to talk to you.. I would feel so much better. I miss the days when I could talk to you about anything. They did exist..once upon a time. I miss not having to worry about what you'll say to him. Because you could say anything you want.. and I would never really know. I just always have this horrible piercing feeling in the pits of my stomach. I miss feeling comfortable around you.

This is gonna sound really bad. If I could chose which friends to love and have in my life.. I wouldn't chose you. But I can't chose when it comes to love. Because my heart overpowers my mind when it comes to my relationships with other people. And I don't know if that's a crime. But it sure is saving your ass.

Upset.

I haven't written on my other blog since March. I can't figure out why. Maybe because Summer always causes me to lose intellect. Ha. Or I think it's because there's a lot going through my mind these days, and I can't find the right time [or words] to put it on paper. Or blog. Maybe I should go to bookstores and just read. All I know is that I've been lacking Inspiration. Where'd you go? I miss you so.

I feel really stupid these days with everyone talking about their 5s and 4s from their AP exams on Facebook. I'm really upset I didn't pass the English Literature exam.. I thought I did well.. My AP Chemistry and AP Gov scores were no surprise to me, though I still feel bad about them. My confidence is at an all-time low right now. And after the phone call I got yesterday about drunk girlfriends and losing trust in someone.. I am deeply afraid of the future. And the fact that things aren't going my way with you this summer, is already a bad sign. Why do I keep getting disappointed? I don't know what to do with myself these days.. especially since you don't want to do anything with me. Don't tell me about being lonely when I make my time so available for you and you just don't want it. If this is how you want it to be, then so be it.

yay or nay?

i want green in my hair ;]